IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME, I SHOULDN'T HAVE LEFT YOU WITHOUT A STRONG "EITHER/ OR" TO STEP TO!!
New year's is a time of reflection. Looking back on 2006 I realized that one of my alltime favorite things on Lords of Apathy was everpopular "Either/ Or" Series. So in an effort to start the year off right; LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!!!
Your options are:
To give a 4 hour (nude) spa-style cocoa-butter rubdown to President Bushs' boyfriend, Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman. Keep in mind, when I say 'nude' that means both of you; stark raving naked as jaybirds, sharing 240 minutes of massage, aromatherapy, and endless chatter about Lieberman's misguided ideas on U.S. policy in Iraq. You must smile and nod as he drones on and on about escalating troop levels, supporting the president in a time of war, and his budding friendship with fellow senator/ powerhungry sellout John McCain. As you're feverishly working essential oils into Liebermans withered, raisin-like ass cheeks, he flippantly blasts a hideous fart right in your face that has the pungent aroma of asparagus and chicken McNuggets. Now, I'm not gonna sugar-coat this for you guys; -We're all adults here... -But I'd be negligent if I didn't warn you ahead of time; The Honorable Senator from Connecticut is gonna expect some sort of 'happy ending'. I'm gonna go easy on you and give you the option as to wether or not you just wanna go ahead and give him a handjob, and be done with it...-OR, you just lay on the ground as he hunches over you and shoots 'Joe-mentum' all over your bare chest.
Option 2: Should you choose what's behind door number 2, you can give a 4-hour pedicure to the illest pair of feet I can find. You will not be allowed to wear gloves and must eat the fungus infested toenail clippings after you're done...-Straight up...Eat them shits.
Well there you have it folks, -nobody said life was going to be easy. I'm sure you'll be able to come up with a solid choice. As in the past, we need to know what you'd do. Go on the record and state your choices AND reasons for your decision in the comments section below. (Please leave your name or alias at the end if you have not already established yourself as a regular on the blog) -GOOD LUCK!!
posted by Snickerdoodles McPoppycock at 1/09/2007 06:29:00 AM
9 Comments:
Good Lawrd!
This one is a really tough one but I'd have to go w/the nasty, crunchy, buttery looking toenails. Straight up that Joe Liberman option would be straight torture…the fact that he would be squirting his chowder on my tits, not cool.
The nails are pretty disgusting but it wouldn’t be that bad. You’d probably have to just file down a layer or two of that shit, maybe add some fake toenails (if they even make them), and take the clippings and throw them back like your taking a shot.
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welp, i gotta say this is an easy one... as a straight man in 2007 who takes better care of his feet then anything else in his life, (aside from the "Merry Christmas" post a did a bit back, but there was nothing i could do about that, its not like i wanted my toenail smashed in half) i gotta take the Joe option. i mean, its not like i havent been farted or jizzed on before, so who cares? and aside from my feet, Joe isnt gonna like what hes getting in the looks dept from me either, so yeah, handjob? who gives a fuck?! i sure dont.
those toes are fucking jacked.
This is an either/or that I can totally step too. Of course I'd give Liberman a hand job and of course I'd massage scented oil into his old-man folds with the enthusiasm of a Young Republican intern. I'd even dildo him in the face ala Paris. I mean think about it. If you EAT that toenail fungus and green flaky funk, you're ingesting it and it's becoming a part of you and you don't get the bonus of tripping off that shit. Then those crusty clippings would be floating around in your stomache poking you and injecting their moldiness into your blood stream? Fucking gross. At least you can take a shower and wash that fast-food smelling Liberman batter off and get back to your day.
Wow, I never thought I'd jump at the chance to give good old Joe a hand job. Thanks for that LOA.
Jenny for president.
Toenails wouldn't be floating around and poking you in your stomach. There is so much acid in our stomachs that it would just break it down fast.
Those toes aint that bad either. I've seen much worse from some of the residents that live in the group homes and this one lady I used to see on the El all the time.
*shivers*
Crusty old man or crusty feet...
Yo toe nails for sure. You battybwoy sons o bitches. Lordamercy.
Toenails. 4 hours elbow-deep in wrinklestink vs. 4 hours gone with some Lava and some Jack ain't no kinda choice.
I been eatin oreos and need to picks my shitteef out anyway.
toenails no doubt
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