Unlocking your car without a key

LOA SLIP 'N SLIDE DOUBLE FEATURE!!

Male Model Sam McGuire was gracious enough to lace us with these YouTube waterslide bangers from backstage of Donna Karan's spring fashion show!

BEDTIME FOR DEMOCRACY

Thinking about voting in the up-coming presidential election? Why not just throw a penny into a fountain and wish for your candidate to win? It doesn’t really matter who you vote for because as Stalin said, “Those who vote determine nothing, those who count the votes determine everything.” I can’t wait to see what cute name they give to voter fraud in the ’08 presidential election. In 2000 we had Hanging Chads, in ’04 it was the Buckeye Ballot.
Three companies have the electronic voting scene on lock: Diebold, ES&S, and Sequoia. In the 2000 election, electronic voting machines in Volusia County, California registered negative 16,022 votes for Gore. In August 2003, Diebold CEO Walden O’Dell wrote a fundraising letter promising to deliver the votes of Ohio to George Bush—keep in mind that no republican has ever won the White House without winning Ohio.
But they’ve had four years since the last presidential election. They probably have all the kinks worked out of the voting system by now, right? You’d think so, but in this year’s February 5th presidential primary at least five New Jersey counties using Sequoia voting machines reported discrepancies in voter tallies, according to a New York Times’ Op/Ed piece.
I understand that some people still think it matters who controls the White House, and that there are people who like to think that their vote counts. And those people may want to start asking questions about the accuracy and security of our voting technology now instead of after the election. So, feel free to confront your politicians about voter fraud—just be prepared—there’s a chance you’ll get tazed, bro.
Watch Hacking Democracy parts 1-9 on Youtube for more information. -(Nicolo Vecki)

Rapp Classics!!

Don't front. You know as well as I do that you danced around like a freak when this song came out. Geez.....I gotta get some more Dru Down stuff.

Bush gets the gas face from baseball fans.

Ill keep this short. At the utmost, bare minimum this rotten bastard should get this
type of treatment everywhere he goes, for the rest of eternity. Strictly boooos.

I'D TOTALLY BONE MEADOW SOPRANO

I was just watching the watered-down censored cuss-word-free re-runs of the Sopranos on A&E and I got reminded of what a glorious piece of ass Meadow turned out to be. Every season she brought the ruckus a little harder than the previous. I first started feeling like a scumbag that season when she was all depressed over Jackie Jr. getting murked out, and was just being a pile laying out by the pool all summer...She was still slightly chubby, in that pleasantly plump -more cushion for the pushin kind of way; but this scene by far takes the freaking cake...-Freshly Shaved cameltoe and all. Kyle Green raves: "What a Treat..."

ARTHUR PRICE; TABLEFUCKER

BELLEVUE, OH -- A man in central Ohio is accused of having sex with his picnic table. The investigation began when a tipster gave police three DVDs showing Arthur Price having sexual intercourse with a metal round table on his deck. The incidents occurred between January and March 2008. Police say the DVDs show Price involved in a sex act in his bedroom. He walks out to his deck, tilts the table on its side and has sex with it. Police say Price lives near an elementary school. Price admitted that he had sex with the picnic table when police questioned him. He confirmed to police the incidents caught on the DVDs and said he had also had sex with the table inside the home. Price faces four counts of public indecency. He is free on a $20,000 bond.

LORDS OF APATHY MASSAGE CORNER

This is the kind of thing that makes the internet worthwhile.

TUG AND LUG

I dunno... You're kinda on your own with this one.

HILLARY CLINTON IS TERRIFYING!!

(Young Jersey in the Building!)

NO I IN THREESOME

HILLARY CLINTON; BALLS OF STEEL

PART OF A RANDOM CONVERSATION ABOUT VERNE TROYER

wes: that midget's kind of a dick, isn't he?
mike: i don't know, but he was friends with kid rock's midget.
wes: isn't that midget dead?
mike: yeah

HALLELUJAH! IT'S RAINING MCGUIRE!!!

Longtime LOA cappo / world reknown skateboard photographer Sam McGuire has just signed a lucrative 7-figure contract with Cutty Modeling! Congrats Sam (pictured bottom row) on this tremendous achievement. May you have a long and prosperous carreer as a male model! Sam's 'Blue Steel' is one of the best in the buisiness.

'THE MILE-HIGH MASTURBATORS CLUB' / (ALTERNATE TITLE: SNAKES ON A PLANE II)

"I'VE HAD IT WITH THESE MUTHAFUCKIN' MASTURBATORS ON THIS MUTHAFUCKIN' PLANE!!!" A 21-year-old Harris County woman filed a $200,000 lawsuit against American Airlines alleging employees on a flight to Los Angeles from Dallas/Fort Worth Airport failed to protect her while she slept from another passenger who masturbated to her and ejaculated in her hair, according to a lawsuit she filed last week in Tarrant County. The Harris County woman alleges employees knew of the risks associated with failing to “police the passengers to ensure that passengers do not hurt one another,” the suit states. Airline officials did not return calls seeking comment. In a statement to a Houston television station last year, a spokesman said the company regretted the incident, but the flight crew took appropriate action. The woman and her lawyer could not be reached for comment. The Star-Telegram does not identify victims of sexual crimes. Destined for a Spring Break visit with family and friends March 19, the woman flew from Houston to DFW Airport and had settled into her seat for the last leg of flight 2074 to Los Angeles about 11 p.m., the suit states. The woman slept most of the flight, but awoke about 20 minutes before landing when the pilot announced the plane was on decent into Los Angeles. When the woman opened her eyes, she saw that an unknown man had moved into the seat next to her and was staring at her as he masturbated, the suit states. The woman turned toward the window in embarrassment and in an act of nervousness began to run her fingers through her hair where she noticed “a substantial amount of an extremely sticky substance in her hair,” the suit states. The woman began to cry and tried to get the attention of a flight attendant, but was unsuccessful, the suit states. Finally a passenger in the row in front of the woman comforted her and verified the semen in her hair, the suit states. When the plane landed, employee called airport police and the man was arrested. The suit alleges that the during the investigation, American Airlines employees told police they witnessed the man move from his assigned seat into the row where the woman was sleeping.
The woman is seeking punitive damages and a jury trial.

HOT BUSINESS CARD Du JOUR

We need to get this dude down with the LOA clique...

HALLELUJAH! -IT'S RAINING McCAIN!!

Get out your slickers and galoshes folks -It's raining McCain!!! -At least it is according to these old fat ladies and downs syndrome patients

BARRACK "COOL-ASS MOTHERFUCKER" OBAMA

One of our pressidential nominees listens to Jay-Z... (hint: it's not John 'Sellout Express' McCain) (Lifted from 'The Loss Prevention' -holler at 'em...)

YURI MORISHITA

This just reminded me of something...-Longtime LOA gangsta and Costa Mesa socialite, Kyle Green, is selling his HOT new "Costa Mesa Boner Club" T-shirts. For those of you interested in copping one, holler at the comments section and leave your e-mail or mailing address and I'll be sure to pass it on to KG. I will update this post later with an actual photo of a C.M.B.C. shirt! -They're sooo hot right now!
Here it is folks! -The T-shirt design that brought Costa Mesa to it's motherfucking knees! -Costa Mesa Boner Club -get 'em while they're hot, and represent your clique! An offer this good won't last long, so holler at your boy Kyle Green via the comments section of this post. C.H.B.C. Fo Life fool!!(Click image to see it as the exact same resolution in a different window)

HOT ASIAN GIRL DuJOUR: MOMOKO TANI

I'd literally listen to a Sean Kingston album AND a T-Pain album back to back in order to get a one in 25 chance of taking this Asian hottress back to Ye Olde Bone Chamber... (Click image to get a higher resolution boner)

MANOREXIA

I thought I'd get some exercise and walk over to Trader Joe's to get some dinner. On the way there I encountered about the 27th dipshit hipster of the day who felt it necessary to walk around flaunting the fact that he's trying to choke the b'Jesus out of his balls via his denim leotard jeans. At this point I've resigned myself to not understanding, nor having the will to try to understand this god-awful trend; however, holmes had to go and up the ante on me, forcing me to re-get-angry all over again. MANOREXIA... Motherfucking manorexia. This motherfucker looked like he just escaped from some Newport Beach concentration camp for bored trust fund kids, spastically pushing down the street on some kind of ironically tiny skateboard. I don't know what the deal is, but I seriously think that these hipsters are starving themselves specifically so that they can squeeze themselves into their gay little leggings. STOPPIT ALREADY!! Let's all come back within some reasonable parameters of tayloring. You're not a ballerina or a figure skater; -It's time to let your balls breathe again and start acting like some non-bitches.

BEHIND THE SCENES AT 'THE OLIVE GARDEN'

Tell that monkey to get out here and re-fill our endless bread basket.

DO I SEE A PROACTIVE REFINING MASK INFOCOMMERCIAL IN SOMEONE'S FUTURE!??

With all of the stress of trying not to just be another one-hit-wonder, and trying to get out of the shadow of Shawty Put's rising star, it's no surprise that Souljah Boy's complexion is paying the price. May our thoughts and prayers be with him in this time of crisis. God Bless Souljah Boy's acne...

CHANGING OF THE RAP GUARD... THE RISE OF SHAWTY PUT (feat. LIL JOHN)

You all knew it was going to happen someday... -Just like Favre going and retiring on us last week, another American icon has suddenly fallen out of the spotlight. Like the saying goes, 'All good things must come to an end'... -That being said... Soulja Boy, you had a good run there buddy... Your hit single 'Crank Dat' by far, exceeded anyone's wildest expectations.... But as of right now, I think it's safe to say that we are officially witnessing the dawning of a new era in rap. Recognize...
(Props to the ever-diligent Nicolo Vecki coming through with the bangers!)

Is your child a tagger?

What is tagging?

Tagging is not an art form or about expressing oneself. It is vandalism and the destruction of private and public property. Tagging is any unauthorized marking, etching, scratching, drawing, painting or defacing of any surface of public, private, real or personal property.

Tagging causes blight in our community resulting in a genuine threat to the quality of life, incalculable economic losses to businesses, and can lead to the general deterioration of the area in which you live or work. The eradication of graffiti is a huge drain on the City’s resources in both cost and manpower. In most cases, the difference between graffiti being art or a crime is PERMISSION!

Taggers come from every race and socio-economic background. Although most taggers are males there are female taggers. Some indicators that your child may be a tagger are:

• Your child is in the age group statistically associated with tagging, ages 12-18.

• Your child has tagging written on their clothing such as their shoes or inside their baseball cap, schoolbooks, notebooks, backpacks, cd covers, and on their bedroom furniture or walls.

• Your child frequently wears baggy pants or carries a large backpack. These are used to carry cans of spray-paint, various colors and types of magic markers, etching tools, slap tags and cameras to take photos of their taggings. The clothes and backpack may be paint stained.

• Your child has large quantities of magic markers in various colors, types and sizes, spray-paint cans, shoe polish containers, or dot markers used to mark bingo cards.

• Your child has or carries tools used for etching glass or mirror surfaces such as spark plug porcelain, drill bits, screwdrivers with a sharpened tip, small rocks, or any other type of sharp instrument.

• Your child has large quantities of “Hello My Name Is” stickers, priority mail stickers, or number or letter stickers. These stickers may have drawings or a tagging moniker written on them. These stickers are used to “slap tag.” They are slapped upon a surface and are difficult to remove and generally leave a residue.

• Your child has the same moniker or set of letters written repeatedly on the above-described material. This may be your child’s tagging moniker and tagging crew’s initials.

• Your child is frequently deceitful about their activities and cannot adequately explain why they possess the above described items.

• Your child stays out late at night or has taken to sneaking out of the house.

• Your child frequently has paint or marker residue on their fingertips.

• Your child has or carries a black artist notebook that contains tagging or drawings. These books are called “bibles” or “piece books.”

• Your child frequently visits tagging websites on the computer, owns tagging magazines, or has photographs of tagging in their bedroom.

• Your child has the same tagging on their schoolbooks, clothing or in their bedroom that you see in your neighborhood or surrounding area. Taggers generally tag in or near their own neighborhoods.

• Your child associates with other people who exhibit these same traits. These other people may be members of your child’s “tagging crew.”

These are some of the general traits of people involved in tagging. If you have any questions as to whether your child may be involved in tagging, please call the Santa Ana Police Department Graffiti Investigation Detail at 1 (800) EAT-SHIT.

DMX on Barack Obama

You may have asked (axed) yourself a some point in your life "How much crack smoking is "too much"? Check out this snippet from DMX's recent XXL interview and find out. It's fucking unbelievable...
Are you following the presidential race?
(DMX) Not at all.

You’re not? You know there’s a Black guy running, Barack Obama and then there’s Hillary Clinton.
(DMX) His name is Barack?!

Barack Obama, yeah.
(DMX) Barack?!

Barack.
(DMX) What the fuck is a Barack?! Barack Obama. Where he from, Africa?

Yeah, his dad is from Kenya.
(DMX) Barack Obama?

Yeah.
(DMX) What the fuck?! That ain’t no fuckin’ name, yo. That ain’t that nigga’s name. You can’t be serious. Barack Obama. Get the fuck outta here.

You’re telling me you haven’t heard about him before.
(DMX) I ain’t really paying much attention.

I mean, it’s pretty big if a Black…
(DMX) Wow, Barack! The nigga’s name is Barack. Barack? Nigga named Barack Obama. What the fuck, man?! Is he serious? That ain’t his fuckin’ name. Ima tell this nigga when I see him, “Stop that bullshit. Stop that bullshit” [laughs] “That ain’t your fuckin’ name.” Your momma ain’t name you no damn Barack.

So you’re not following the race. You can’t vote right?
(DMX) Nope.

MARCY SON '92

Just wanted to keep '92 on the map. For me the best shit Jay Z err did.

LOA HEALTH CORNER - 30 MINUTES A DAY...

We here at the LoA are, of course, in the utmost physical condition. This is mostly due to our Rambo-style HGH regimen, but also due to the fact that we do aerobic exercises for at least 30 minutes every day.

Here are some of the benefits of light aerobic exercise:
-You reduce the risk of all types of diseases
-You boost your immune system
-You're able to have larger, longer-lasting boners
-Your heart is strengthened
-You get to watch videos of Asian girls with huge boobs jump rope when you're trying to find new ways to exercise.

Remember, 30 minutes every day.

STEPHEN WILSHIRE THE AUTISTIC GENIUS

Prepare to get your mind officially blown in half. -Don't say I didn't warn you...

LOA's LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

I was planning on leaving this one alone... Lucky for you guys, LOA Regular Nicky Vecki has once again stepped up his game and is giving his blog hand a much-needed workout.

By now everyone’s heard of venerable patriarch of New York Eliot Spitzer’s sexcapades. Call me immoral, but I’m not even really that mad at him. In fact, after listening to the right-wing pundits tear him apart for the last 48 hours I’m pretty much in his corner. One question though. What kind of tail is so good it costs five thousand dollars a throw? Because that’s what he was paying the prostitution agency every time he had a date. You can buy a new Korean car with all the bells and whistles and a five-year warranty for five Gs. A girl’s got to be bangin’ like a Ron G tape if you’re paying that kind of money—she better be a superstar, and I’m not talking some B-movie actress—I’m talking Marion Cotillard on Oscar night, I’m talking CGI Angelina Jolie in “Beowulf.” When you throw that pussy up in the air it better turn into sunshine for $5K.

-Nicolo Vecki

Retch

I dunno why I can't stop watching this, there is just something so unbelievably gross about it.

SURPRISE!!!-TOM CRUISE ACTING LIKE A FUCKING LUNATIC

I love Tom Cruise's inflection when he speaks... It's like every sentence is trying to seem like the most intense, important thing in the world; -which isn't easy mind you. If at any point you randomly happened to say the most important thing in the world, imagine having to one-up that sentence directly afterward, again and again. I just think that kind of pressure would be too much. Not only would you have to come up with a lot of heavy-ass shit to say, but you'd have to pace it so that it would build and build into a crescendo of knowledge being born in rapid-fire succession. And if that wasn't enough, take into account that as you're birthing all of this profound knowledge, you could not cry out in pain, -you would have to remain completely silent (aside from what you're saying), nor could you take anti-depressants afterward... -Just some supplements.
(Good looking out Joe Deezy)

Gnome Caught on Video

i believe... do you?

JUST SAY NO TO SMOKING CRACK/ BEING A MIDGET

(Shouts to Detroit Murder Dog)

Walk it out

teach your children well

L.O.A. FASHION ALERT!

You know how when a British musician is singing a song, you can hardly detect a trace of an accent, but then you hear that same person in an interview and you're like "what the fuck are you saying?" -That's pretty much the same thing with Soulja Boy... -'Cept you can't barely understand what he's talking about at any point in time... Even when you're able to decipher the actual words he's attempting to say, it still doesn't make a whole bunch of contextual sense. I like how "KnowwhatI'msayin'" and "Nahmean" are the favorite catchphrases of people who have virtually nothing of substance to talk about... As if Souljahboy's trying to break down the Pythagorean Theorem, and he's super concerned that everyone is following along. -Yeah, I fucking get it already...-You're mumbling on and on about a hat or some sneakers, or making a bunch of money...-I get it...-Neclace, diamonds...-DUDE!-I get it!!! Anyways, with regard to what Souljaboy (Tellem) is talking about, Translation: He's got a brand new shitty, shitty clothing line coming out. It's a bunch of crappy hats sweats and jackets, all with the same dogshit embroidered logo on 'em... Basically if you want to dress like a gay baby with rainbow-colored day-glo rave tracksuits, this is your brand. (Good lookin out John A.)

YOGA for Tension Release with Tara Stiles

I've been releasing tension to these yoga videos all morning long...

ACT LIKE YA KNOW BITCH!

Bobby Tang, watch your back!!

LIVING PHOTOGRAPH; CHRIS WITH TEACUP

I know the funny news clips or the hot Asians are always favorites on LOA, but sometimes you just have to stop and appreciate the arts...
(good lookin out J. Mart!)

FAVRE

You may have been wondering why acknowledgement of Brett Favre's retirement has not been made thus far on LOA. I'm not sure how many official stages of grief there are, but I know for the last 2 days I've been solidly locked down in the denial stage... Brett Favre retiring is like finding out your dog died, there's no Santa Claus, no Easter Bunny and getting kicked in the genitals all at once. It's a little overwhelming to think that it's all over... For those of us who live and breathe Packers football, this is nothing short of tragic. For the last 17 seasons, Brett Favre has inspired us all and will be the standard in which all future QBs will be judged. I just wanted to say thanks for the memories Brett, you are a true LOA gangster. (Now if you will excuse me, I'm going to go curl up in the fetal position while sucking my thumb, and cry my eyes out.)

ON-AIR MELTDOWNS! -ANCHOR VS. REPORTER

Stuff like this is priceless! Two dipshits awkwardly battling it out live on air. Enjoy!

BLACK COCK HELICOPTER

This is what you call a 'Freudian slip'.

GIVE ME MYSPACE OR GIVE ME DEATH.

This kid is off the proverbial hook... seriously...

GEORGE "MR. BOJANGLES" BUSH

If any of you have any pending wagers that George Bush wouldn't tap-dance in front of the White House press corps before the end of his current term, you might want to take a trip to the ATM right quick... -And note: when I say "tap-dancing" I literally mean goofily dancing, tip-tapping his retarded little feet like a fucking fool, just before he makes some embarrassing speech endorsing the Christian Right's champion of champions, John "100 years in Iraq"McCain. Peep game:

NEW ANNA NICOLE SMITH MOVIE!!!

The motion picture gods are smiling on us this year. -First 'No Country for Old Men', Then 'Cloverfield', 'Rambo', 'There Will Be Blood' and now completing the pentagram, the Anna Nicole Movie! Can life get any better than this!!??? (Answer: Yes)

A CONCERNED CITIZEN'S LETTER TO SNICKERDOODLES

Each and every day, we get tons of letters and e-mails from our readers. Longtime LOA O.G./ author, Nicolo Vecki wrote the following commentary on our country's inability to capture Osama Bin Laden. I think maybe he might have been under the assumption that we were actually looking for him in the first place.

Yeah, I don’t mean to beat a dead horse, but is anyone looking for Bin Laden anymore? First this dude disappears from the planet, now he’s disappeared from the national consciousness. We need some people with some long-ass attention spans to stay focused on this shit. If Einstein was still around he would figure out where this dude is at. What is Stephen Hawking working on right now? We might need to pull that dude off studying the gravitational pull of black holes for a while or whatever the fuck he’s doing and help figure this shit out. Get him and John Poindexter from the Total Information Awareness project and that French dude who’s the leader of the Raeliens who was supposedly the first person to successfully clone a human. Get these dudes to do a colabo’ and crank out some algorithms on one of those computers on the show CSI, or one of those IBM super computers that do a half trillion computations a second and figure out some shit and find this fucker. I’m just an average dude running Windows 98 and I can use my computer to see my house from outer space, and study the goddamn license plates on the cars on my street, and see some goddamn kids playing basketball in the park around the corner—so I know the government’s got some shit that’s like 100times as powerful as Google Maps, or whatever. They can shoot down a satellite that’s going 17 thousand miles per hour but they can’t find this dude. What did they shoot that thing down for anyway? Couldn’t they recalibrate that thing to just look for Bin Laden? Instead they blow it up 130 miles above the earth so all that toxic shit goes into the atmosphere. We’re probably breathing trace amounts of hydrazine right now and I heard that one ounce of that shit is enough to kill a shit ton of people—and there was one thousand pounds of that shit on the satellite, so do the math.

All I know is this dude was putting out more videos than Madonna for a while and you’re telling me we can’t get some cave dust off one of those tapes and trace it to the exact X and Y coordinates in goddamn Kandahar or Anbar province or wherever? They can find water crystals on Mars and they can’t find this dude. They genetically modified a goat to shoot spider webs out of is teats, I mean shit, the technology is obviously there to do it if they really want to. What’s Bill Belichick doing? It’s the off season and I know that dude’s got some spy-tech shit we can use. Let’s get something going.

-WAY2RAD

its a whole new ball game...

I had been planning to get a portrait of the Blues Brothers to remind me of my time spent in Australia, but then i saw this thing... guess the implants were real, like squishy (you know what a boob feels like right? no? well its "squishy"), and i say "were" cus i guess they burst A La Anna Nicole Smiths tits. still pretty rad...
i might just get a portrait of the late Anna Nicole and get the implants anyhow just so i can recreate her boobs exploding on my forearm.

BEHOLD, THE SKATE NINJA!

A-MAZING.

(*Editor's Note: I just wanted to say, you gotta watch the girl on the left, she's barfing in to a plastic bag and then gets a vomit facial as the plane bucks... I missed that the first time around)

good looks enjoi.

we ARE the world mother fuckers.

after my recent travels around the globe i've never known this song to mean so damn much, thank god i found this version to REALLY drive it home!

BALLIN!!!

LOA MASSAGE CORNER

PRABHUPADA

Today's mathematics...