THIS WORD JUST SOUNDS GROSS:

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DUEL OF THE IRON MICS

If you'd seen the Envy vs. Eli Porter battle I posted a few months back, you'd already know that this highschool is chock-full of raw MC talent. This battle I'm about to show you is yet another example of intense, razor-sharp urban wordplay. It you think you can handle it, why don't you step into the cypher, and get your motherfucking mind ripped in half by lyricism.

"BITCH, DON'T MAKE ME GO UPSIDE YOUR HEAD WITH THIS DAMP SHAMWOW©..."

ShamWow pitchman Vince Shlomi's pimp hand is mad strong. It must be from wiping up all kinds of messy spills all the time with his remarkable ShamWow product. (It's like a chamois, it's like a towel, it's like a sponge. -You'll say "WOW" every time). Apparently, he was arrested on felony battery charges in Miami last month following a violent encounter with a hooker. Shlomi told cops he paid [Sasha] Harris about $1000 in cash after she "propositioned him for straight sex." Shlomi said that when he kissed Harris, she suddenly "bit his tongue and would not let go." Shlomi then punched Harris several times until she released his tongue. The affidavit...notes that during the 4 AM fight Harris sustained facial fractures and lacerations all over her face.... After freeing his tongue, a bleeding Shlomi ran to the [hotel] lobby, where security summoned cops. Harris refused to cooperate with officers, who recovered $930 from her purse. Harris is reportedly considering a lawsuit against Shlomi, though prosecutors "declined to file formal charges" against him.

BAD PAINTINGS OF BARACK OBAMA

I'm a big fan of terrible art. The kind that manages to significantly depreciate the value of the raw materials that went into making the 'art'. Heres a few of my favorite Obama-centric gems I saw on "Bad paintings of Barack Obama.com:This one's just fucking creepy... I'm not really feeling that scrunched-up, sideways, vaginal, 3rd eyeball on homie's forehead. That, and the fact that he's in mid-pray... Although, I guess if he's praying for that creepy vagina-eye to go away, then all is forgiven.I'm gonna go ahead and give you half-credit on this one. You did successfully paint a picture of a black man in a suit; it just wasn't a picture of the person you though you were painting. If I were you, I'd remedy the situation by telling people that this is an age-projected picture of Willis from Diff'rent Strokes This one's hands down my favorite. Apparently, Michelle's away for the weekend with the kids and what do you think Ol' Barack's gettin into? -OH SNAP!! -It's another one of his Mexican-themed orgy/taco fiestas! B.Y.O.B (bring your own briefs).

(I originally found this link on the Portlander's blog Rose City Stump. Holler at them and tell 'em Snickerdoodles sent ya!)

MATT McKEEN IS THE MICHAEL JORDAN OF RAZOR SCOOTER(ing)

By virtue of this dude riding a Razor scooter, you wanna hate on him; but seriously, this might be one of the baddest motherfuckers to ever get extreme on an action sports vehicle. Until now I don't even think that Razor scooters qualified as 'Extreme Sports Vehicles'; nor did the term 'Extreme Sports Vehicles' exist before I said it just now. I guess that makes me pretty fucking extreme in my own right. FUCK YEAH!
Interior Crocodile Alligator from matt mckeen on Vimeo.
matt mckeen royal flush/throwaway from matt mckeen on Vimeo.

WORLD'S CHEAPEST CAR

I'm totally trading in my whip and getting a fleet of Tatas!

DRENCHED IN BLOOD IS THE NEW BLACK

Not everybody can pull off this kind of look with such aplomb.

ACUOUSTIC REGULATORS... MOUNT UP

This was intended to be the regular version of 'Regulate' but after sifting through about 20 different 'Embedding disabled by request' videos on hatin'-ass YouTube; I had to settle for giving you guys an acoustic version by this dude from Alpha Kappa Delta. Enjoy...
If you're still trying to get your 'Regulate' on check out this chopped and screwed version.One more thing, I propose that Nate Dogg be on at least 30% of all rap songs for the remainder of 2009.

YOU CAN BE MY "SUPERBOO"

Dude, this it totally what my 'Baskin Robbins United Nations 31 flavors of hot-ass bitches' franchise is gonna be like.(There really are some SUPER boos in that.)

Racist or Not Racist: Russian Obama Chocolate Ice Cream

Russia joins fellow World War II villains Japan and Germany with this Obama-themed ad. Just as there is a black man is in the White House, the Duet ice cream bar has chocolate in vanilla ice cream. I think "Lexington Steele in Nikita Denise" would have given this ad more visual punch, but that's probably more offensive for other reasons. Once again, we are looking for you to make the call on whether or not this is racist.

TROLL 2 IS BRINGING SEXY BACK!! (AGAIN)

THE CATWALK OF SEXUAL INDISGRESIONS II

People always say that most of the clothing from runway shows is too impractical to wear on the street. That's why I made my latest line casual but yet playful and flirty. The main thing that you need in order to pull off wearing this, is ATTITUDE! The clothes only get you halfway there... -If you're not gonna rock your shit with aplomb and panache, then don't even waste our time. The couture tsunami cannot be stopped! -so either lead, follow, or get the fuck out of my way bitch!!(Click image to enlarge)
This hot new look I came up with is a little something I like to call the 'Russian Gigolo Rapist'. I gotta say, this style isn't for everybody so caveat emptor -Proceed with caution babe!(Click image to enlarge)

WHAT'S HOT?: RAP FLIGHTS

I raise my glass in a toast to people who find a way to make their boring tedious jobs more interesting. Cheers

TURTLE HUMPING A SHOE

BOBBY CONN; SATANIC FORCES

LOA FASHION WEEK IS BACK!!

You guys might not be aware that in addition to being a world-class blogger and co-president of the GQ Hardbodiez Car Club, your boy Snickerdoodles is making some serious moves in the world of fashion. I look at it as kind of a public service; giving something back to the community by allowing you to see pictures of me in different outfits looking sexy as hell. (You're welcome.) Here's a little casual streetwear number I threw together this morning. I just LOOOOOOOVE this canvas shoulder bag, -it's soo chic! Also check out my acid washed skinny jeans. Eat your hearts out motherfuckers...
(P.S. I paid a lot of money to look like this)

BLACK AND WHITE AND RED ALL OVER

I just happened to be hanging out in this random corner looking like 'the bomb' and thought you guy's would want to see what I'm wearing today. Aren't these Coach hi-tops just DIVIIIINE!!?? I'm Sooooo loving them! This black and white ensemble is FIERCE! -RRRROOOOOAAAARRR!

Tromboner Jams

Ladies and gentlemen, Snickerdoodles' new favorite band, Futomomo Satisfaction...

RED CARPET AT THE GRAMMYS

Here's a picture of me kicking it at last month's Grammys. Matching silk paisley tophat and jacket by Gucci, scarf by Ralph Lauren, sunglasses from the display case at 7-11.

Smallest Gangster, Biggest Heart

In light of Obama's Special Olympics comment on Leno, we at LOA feel an obligation to rep for the differently abled. As seen in the video above, the homie 1/2 Price can smoke just as much weed, play as much PlayStation, bust as many handplants and max with as many hos in hot tubs as someone with legs. I spoke with a doctor about the MRI results shown at 2:36 in the video, and the prognosis is not good. 1/2 Price's accomplishments stand as a testament to what disabled people can achieve, so let's try to appreciate him during his short brief time on Earth.

RAZOR SHARP!

I love it when people take the time to perfect something that's utterly ridiculas. This dude is seriously sick with the razor scooter. -Like Siiiiiiiiick!
REviseddd TPC part from matt mckeen on Vimeo.

14 YEAR-OLD REPUBLICAN DRAGQUEEN JONATHAN KROHN

This kid is killing me lately... You know what's great about young people? -The fact that they don't act like this douche bag. Seriously kid, -where's the fire? Believe me, there's no shortage of adult Republican cocksuckers, so why not just take a few years off and play X-Box, smoke pot, or learn how to masturbate properly. Hey, Jonathan, you know what else is a traditional conservative value?: -SHUTTING YOUR FUCKING MOUTH -look into it.

(Due to YouTube being fucking lame since they sold out to google, here's a different Jonathan Krohn video than the original one that got taken down.) (Also, what's up with homie's lipstick? Is that color Mac 'Lady Danger'? Whatever it is, it looks really sexy on that little bitch.)

THE POPE SPREADS AIDS IN AFRICA

It's kind of weird that the ex-Nazi leader of the Catholic church is actively promoting stone age superstitions that are tantamount to population control. In light of the AIDS epidemic in Africa, saying this kind of shit in spite of the documented scientific facts on the relationship between AIDS prevention and comdom usage, is fucking outrageous. It's impossible to be this ignorant. I guess killing a few million Africans is worth it in exchange for selling your snake-oil religion to a dying continent.

you ever fucked music?

j'boi Steve Vai has. trust me, you are gonna need to see this start to finish...

TROLL 2; ACT LIKE YA KNOW BITCH!

(Good looking out Kingpin Ronin for reminding me of this cinematic gem. I happened to catch the last 20, minutes of it on HBO a few months back. Raw uncut realness...

Racist or Not Racist: German Obama Fried Chicken

You would be wrong if you thought the Axis Powers stopped insulting America in 1945.  Japan set it off with a blackface Obama magician and Germany takes it to the next level with Obama fried chicken.  At this point, I half expect an Italian company to sell Obama grape soda to complete the trifecta.  So what do you think LOA?  Is German Obama fried chicken racist or not racist? You make the call.

NEW LOA SCREENSAVER FEATURING SOME OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY'S BEST AND BRIGHTEST!

They're at it again, -except this time it seems more desperate and pathetic than ever. The Republican debate team has managed to marginalize themselves and make their extremist philosophy seem even more laughably idiotic in recent weeks. -You guys are killin' it!! Not that you need any advice from me, (you're doing a fine job on your own) but how about adopting "Git 'er Dun!" as one of your campaign slogans going forward. I think it's something your remaining supporters will already be familiar with. Cheers guys! (Click image to enlarge; drag and drop image into your desktops/ screensavers folder)

HOT ASIAN GIRL DuJOUR: SAYAKA ANDO

This girl I used to go out with a long time ago was a major pain in the ass. She was always being overdramatic about stupid shit and was CRAZY paranoid that I was cheating on her all the time (-that eventually ended up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy). Anyways, long story short, one of the things that really used to erk me was the fact that she kept claiming to have this unspecified 'eating disorder'. I know that this is probably uncool to say, but I dont believe in eating disorders. -I mean yeah, I BELIEVE in them in the sense that they exist, I just dont BELIEVE in them in the sense that they are super fucking annoying. I don't want to validate some chick's food issues by calling it a 'disorder'... -OOOH!!!-DISORDER!! 'Disorder' is the financial meltdown, or the rule of law under the Bush Administration. Not eating food because you think you're fat is just fucking lame. Eating is a pretty straightforward formula: eat some food, but don't go fucking crazy. Maybe work out a little bit here and there when you have time. Don't waste your breath/ my sanity with all your nonsense musings about the inner-workings of your psyche and your repressed childhood memories as it relates to why you ate an entire pint of Ben & Jerrys. Here's the reason: That shit's delicious okay!? Go run on the treadmill if you're feeling guilty about it, but please; PLEASE! -spare me the theatrics already. Right before we broke up she got super into anal sex, and then afterward, she became a bloodsucking yuppie lawyer.

Anyways, here's Sayaka Ando:

Ill Advised

Democrats have an unproductive obsession with Rush Limbaugh.  Obama took a shot at him by name.  Since then, Democrats are talking about Rush as much as the stimulus package.  Note to Obama:  YOU ARE THE FUCKING PRESIDENT.  Rush is a radio show host.  There is a reason Eminem didn't respond to Cage.  Em was platinum and touring the world with Dr. Dre.  Cage was living in a hatchback and washing his pants in gas station sinks.  Let him talk his shit and just be about your business.

Fanning the flames, the DNC held a contest to come up with a scathing slogan to run on a billboard in Rush's hometown.  I have received at least 20 spam emails from the DNC about this like it's some game changer.  The slogan shown above is the "winner."  OH SHIT!  HOW IS RUSH GONNA COME BACK FROM THAT BURN?!  I mean, are you fucking kidding me?  These clowns received more than 80,000 entries and that was the best one?  What's next, a Tim Geithner Jump to Conclusions mat?  LOLZ (and eye roll)!  Maybe fixing the country can be your revenge instead of some moronic billboard.  This whole sideshow is an insult to my intelligence.

DNC -STOP THE PRESS!!

I was just reading Detroit Murder Dog's post about the DNC contest to come up with a slogan for the Rush Limbaugh Billboard. Hopefully I'm not too late to throw my hat into the ring. It might not be the most concise slogan,but I think it has a nice ring to it.

VICTORIA JACKSON ON THE HANNITY SHOW

Sometimes I literally cannot believe that these Republicans are being serious. Like for real... Are you fucking kidding me? If you're a Republican and you're watching this (assuming you're already taking Hannity seriously) and they trot out washed-up no-talent shit-for-brains Victoria Jackson to cheerlead your political philosophy... Fuck... I dont even know what to say after that... I mean, I guess the next logical thing to do is follow that up with some Larry the Cable Guy (Which they did apparently).

JIM CRAMER DISEMBOWELED IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE

Another stellar job of file-pulling by John Stewart. It was almost painful to watch somebody's reputation get shat on as ferociously as Stewart does Cramer's for an entire episode of the 'Daily Show'. -Honestly, an award for journalistic real-talk is in order here. Check out the Daily Show website to review Stewart's manhandling of Cramer and CNBC over the past week or so... If only the reporters on the 'serious' news networks covered the financial meltdown as seriously as the comedians on Comedy Central do.

BAT FIGHT!

BAT FIGHT with Will Ferrell from Will Ferrell

YET ANOTHER REASON TO NOT GET MARRIED

(Good looking out Jersey Joe)

LOS ANGELES' FORECAST FOR TODAY: FUCKING HOT!!!

Meet Elita Loresca, our odds-on favorite nominee for weatherperson of the year on the LOA BONER JAMZ '09 Mixtape
Then again, there's always Jackie Guerrido... Tough call...

Kitty Cat Bong

how have i never tried this style? puppy bong, yes. slow loris bong, yes. python bong, yes. hell, i've even tried to make a bong including a dead armadillo, but i somehow never thought about a kitty!

you've just been BONGED.

HOT ASIAN GIRL DuJOUR: SATOMI ISHIHARA

Attention all women! You should aspire to look like this. Maybe that way we could have a chance to pull ourselves out of this goddamn recession.(click image to enlarge how freaking hot she is)

MAGIC FRIDAY!

Cyril Takayama getting his magic crackin! This is kinda similar to a trick I do called 'the Magic Johnson'. Basically how it works is I make my Johnson disappear into my ex-girlfriend and 3 years later she makes all of my disposable income and my daughter disappear... It's a really depressing trick .

Snoop Joins Nation; Nation Jumps Shark

Rapper and weed enthusiast Snoop Dogg appeared here in Chicago this weekend, claiming that he's a member of the Nation of Islam. Said Snoop: "I'm an advocate for peace, I've been in the peace movement ever since I've been making music." That's true.  Snoop is a regular Cat Stevens with songs like 187, Vato and Pump Pump.  With all due respect, at this point, making appearances with Louis Farrakhan is one step above performing at the Palos Hills Friendship Fest.  Unsurprisingly, fellow irrelevant rap artist Doug E Fresh was also in attendance.  Snoop presented the Nation with a check for a mind-blowing one thousand dollars.  Had I been consulted in advance, I would have made sure Snoop was equipped with an oversize novelty check signed with a dog paw print.  That may have been the only thing that could have made this scene any more preposterous.

LOA ANIMAl SPOTLIGHT: PINK ALBINO DOLPHIN

A rare albino dolphin has been spotted in Louisiana's Lake Calcasieu, an inland saltwater estuary north of the Gulf of Mexico. The pink mammal also has reddish eyes and was originally spotted swimming with a pod of four other dolphins by a charter boat captain, according to the U.K. Telegraph. The Amazon River in South America is home to a species of pink dolphin, called the boto, but biologists say this particular pink dolphin is an albino bottlenose that should be gray. I feel like Camron should try to buy this somehow.

JONATHAN KROHN, HORRIBLE HORRIBLE REPUBLICAN CHILD.

If any of you are on the fence about using birth control:

FATAL ERECTION

12-HOUR VIAGRA-FUELED ORGY ENDS IN DEATH
This was one bet Sergey Tuganov was determined to win. British newspaper, The Sun, reports the 28-year-old Russian man died after taking a bottle of Viagra pills for an apparent 12-hour sex romp. Two women told Moscow police they bet Tuganov $US4300 that he wouldn't be able to satisfy them during a non-stop half day sex marathon. The mechanic died of a heart attack minutes after winning the wager, Moscow police said. "We called emergency services but it was too late, there was nothing they could do," said one of the female participants who identified herself only as Alina. Medics said he most likely died from the quantity of Viagra he had ingested. There are 30 pills in an average 100mg bottle of Viagra.
(Good looking out Playboy Kenny)