HORRIBLE RAP WEDNESDAY: HURRICANE CHRIS ADDRESSES THE LOUISIANA STATE LEGISLATURE REGARDING THE IMPORTANCE OF...um... HALLE BERRY (halle berry???)

Okay, get ready to see the most embarrassing thing you've ever seen; -It sent a cold chill down my spine. This right here is about to be a hot mess...-A scalding, boiling, piping hot MEZZZ! Seriously; I'm not even joking here, -this lady in the Louisiana state legislature decided it was a good idea to take time out of the official procedings, in order to have Hurricane Chris spit a few verses of his hot new single 'HALLE BERRY (halle berry)'. In addition to all of the obvious reasons this is complete absurdity, the motherfucker didn't even have the courtesy to provide them with the instumental dat tape!!! -Are you fucking kidding me!!?? No joke, I buried my face in my hands when watching this. Click here for the full clip...-Actually, on second thought, don't. Go read a book or something.

OUT OF CONTROL DOG BITES WOMAN'S VAGINA AND LABRADOR'S PENIS

Chalk up yet another reason for me to not ever have a dog. "Hey dog, get the fuck away from my dick".

SUCK IT NORM COLEMAN

-Say hello to your new Senator from the great state of Minnesota Mr. Al Franken.

GREAT MOMENTS IN R&B HISTORY

Because almost all R&B has sucked since the late 90's I've taken it upon myself to shed light on a few of the bright spots, in an otherwise, rapidly disintegrating genre. This is the song I want to hear every time I'm drunk from now on. Ladies; fair warning here, -GET OFF THE DANCEFLOOR if you dont want your leg humped when this song comes on.

AUSTRALIAN-STYLE CRIP-WALKERS ON ECSTACY

For those of you who are trying to rave till dawn AND ride on them fools who was set-trippin at the barbeque last weekend... "What set you claimin' homie?"

HORRIBLE RAP MONDAY: ROBBB "WHATEVER YOU LIKE" (T.I.) REMIX

You may remember our boy Robbb from a couple of weeks ago. A few days ago, the freestyle rapper that set the internet ablaze with his 6-minute poop rap freestyle, contacted LOA and informed me that he was doing remixes of popular songs and best of all: He's now taking requests! Holler at his YouTube channel and make a request. -Tell him Snickerdoodles sent ya!

RETNA: MILES DAVIS PORTRAIT

My friend Retna has been commissioned to work on a series of portraits for the Ovation Channel's 'American Revolutionaries' documentary on African-Americans who redefined American Music. Word on the street is, this is phase one of Retna's plan to take over the art world this year... -You GO boy!! (Said all tough and thuggish)
The finished product, Times Square: Rough, Rugged, Raw!

CHI-TOWN STAND UP!!: LIL ZIMMIE MURDERS THE HALFTIME CHILD DUNK CONTEST.

Watch the lil' homie brush his shoulders off around the 1:50 mark...-Priceless.

HORRIBLE RAP SUNDAY: SEARCH ENGINE FREESTYLE BATTLE

Yo son, I bet you didn't know that the internet's top search engines had mad flows. -Peep game!:
•MSN vs. GOOGLE

•GOOGLE vs. YAHOO

•MSN vs. YAHOO

R.I.P. BILLY MAYS

Damn, Celebrities are droppin like flies these days... Pour out a lil' Oxy Clean for Billy Mays.Television pitchman Billy Mays who built his fame by appearing on commercials and infomercials promoting household products and gadgets died Sunday, FOX News confirms. Mays was found unresponsive by his wife inside his Tampa, Fla., home at 7:45 a.m. on Sunday, according to the Tampa Police Department. Police said there were no signs of forced entry to May's residence and foul play is not suspected. Authorities said an autopsy should be complete by Monday afternoon. Mays, 50, was on board a US Airways flight that blew out its front tires as it landed at a Tampa airport on Saturday, MyFOXTampa.com reported.

Unsolicited Rap Tips

I went to the Rock The Bells festival in Chicago this weekend. I saw some great shows and I saw some awful ones. Like Dame Dash at the end of the Paid in Full soundtrack, I have a few things to get off my chest. Hip hop's been around since the 70s and it seems like most rappers are still doing the same shit. Many performers at RTB were no exception. Let's run through the classics:

1. "Ayo soundman, I need more/less monitor." "Can I get more volume on this mic?" I can honestly say that I have never been to a rap show where there was not at least one on-stage complaint about the sound guy. Talib Kweli spent as much time performing as he did talking to the soundman. Look, dude, I came to hear raps. If I wanted a discussion about audio engineering, I'd enroll at Full Sail.
2. "The real hip hop is over here/there." When you say '"hip," I say "go fuck yourself." KRS is awesome, but even he's guilty of this one.
3. Not practicing. Amid other miscues, Raekwon's DJ dropped the vocal version of a song. Rae to the crowd: "Oh no, the vocals are on there! We're gonna have to go over the vocals..." Probably should have been handled in rehearsal.
4. "DJ, stop the beat." A cappella raps are the keyboard solos of hip hop shows. Totally unnecessary (possible exceptions include Eddie Van Halen on the "1984" tour and Brother Ali) .
5. "Who wants to hear some new shit?" First off, you're not really giving us a choice. Second, if I've never heard your "old shit" (I am talking here to almost every opening act at indie hip hop shows), then the answer is a definite no.
6. Stopping and starting beats. Everyone knows that "Ante Up" will be MOP's last song. The beat drops and people go nuts. 8 bars in, they stop the track and say "I don't think they're ready" only to crank it right back up. Talk about a buzzkill. Ever see Pearl Jam stop in the middle of "Even Flow" and then have Eddie Vedder call for a rewind? Me neither.
7. Extraneous people walking around on stage. You got a backstage pass? C'mon up. Maybe wave a towel or pantomime gunshots. GZA had 5 guys at the DJ booth mouthing the lyrics. Is this Wu Tang or Puttin On The Hits?

Other observations from RTB: In these tough economic times, paying money to meet Supernatural (and "suprise" guests) in a "VIP" tent seems a little much. If you wait until after the tour, you can just run up in the post office or wherever he works and meet him for free. Also, I counted about 50 "Dilla Changed My Life" tees. The only people who should be wearing them are the members of Slum Village and Stones Throw employees. It's cool to pay tribute to someone you admire, but this is a little much. Truth be told, your mom or your AAU coach changed your life, not Dilla.

Seriously?

This is really what you are going to name your Nigerian company?

Image taken from the BBC.

"THE MIKE JORDAN OF RAP/ MIKE JACKSON OF POP"

Church.

GAME POINT: C'MON MICHAEL, D-THE-FUCK-UP!

UNDERAPPRECIATED RAP SONGS: J.T. MONEY 'WHO DAT'

I always knew this was a great song, but I had no idea that the video took place in a futuristic space jail (for no reason). Also, holy shit; -who knew that Sole' was so hot?? -That was a pretty damn good verse also.

GUY MARIANO x JACKSON 5 x BLIND 'VIDEO DAYS'

Damn... It's still pretty surreal that MJ's dead. He had such a major impact on pretty much everyone from my generations' lives... Couple that with one of the sickest skate videos to date... Ehhh, enough with all the sappy nostalgia, just watch a young Guy Mariano kill it to 'I want you back' and think about seeing MJ bust that moonwalk at Motown 25

RIME/ AUGOR MICHAEL JACKSON TRIBUTE

MSK/ The Seventh Letter crewmates Rime and Augor painted this tribute to the King of Pop this afternoon. Nice work fellas.

MICHAEL JACKSON DEAD AT 50

Pour out a lil liquor for the big homie MJ. The King of Pop, you will be missed.

FUCK YOUR HALLOWEEN COSTUME

If you thought you were doing it big costume-wise... -You weren't.

DON'T CRY FOR ME ARGENTINA

I Never Thought I'd See the Day

"In Minnesota I finally feel like I'm home" - Brett Favre

Wow. Shits about to get real interesting.

JAY-Z D.O.A (Death of Autotune)

I'm posting this in solidarity on the 'Death of Autotune' sentiment. Roger Troutman (R.I.P.) crushed it with the autotune, all these other lames since need to stop fronting -(That means you Kanye "T-Painin' too much"). Also, I'm hyped my guy NoI.D. got to produce the track. He's the man responsible for doing all of Common's (Sense's) early stuff (before he decided to completely suck) and is one of the most underrated producers in the game. -Chi Town stand up!

Racist or Not Racist: Negrita Candy

As a candy connoisseur, I enjoy only the finest in questionably racist sweets. Negrita is an Italian chocolate-covered croccantino candy, which is a kind of toffee with hazelnuts and almonds. The term "negrita" alone doesn't have any literal racial connotations, although that packaging is probably going to raise some eyebrows.

What do you think LOA: Racist or Not Racist? Would your opinion change if the packaging remained the same but the candy was called Questi Noci ("Deez Nuts") instead?

CALGON, TAKE ME AWAY... (to the Appalachian Trail)

Sometimes you just have to get away... from the state that you govern. Republican South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford disappeared earlier this week, no one including his wife or staff knew where he was. It has now been reported that he was alone hiking along the appalachian trail.

UPDATE: Now hes saying he was in Argentina

Cant wait for the real story to come out, but for now lets speculate in the comments.

SteamPunks VS. Juggalos

There may be debate as to who the lowest man on the totem pole is in terms of retarded subcultures. But for the moment, let's evaluate two. I recently came across the SteamPunk culture while on a trip to Berkeley (weird, huh). They speak with terrible British accents. They refer to garbage as "rubbish", and trash cans as "rubbish tins". I overheard one steampunk say to another steampunk, "Clockwork cufflinks!?! Seems to be all the rage these days." All these dudes are from the west coast, i doubt a british steam punk exists. And they also like to wear goggles on top of their top hats. Juggalos don't really need as much of a description. They've had years to get noticed. I realize this isn't a fair fight in the physical sense. The SteamPunks are a bunch of corset wearing fancy lads. The juggalos thrive on wrestling and teen pregnancy. But who's worse? Would you rather be the son, or daughter, of a SteamPunk? or a Juggalo? Pick your side.

CHECK IT OUT Y'ALL

HORRIBLE RAP THURSDAY: ARLINGTON

Sometimes when I say 'Horrible' I mean 'Awesome!'... And sometimes I mean 'Mildly amusing'.

Amazing Art

Saw this on the TTL Blog and felt compelled to comment. Just to recap, Pharrell Williams and Takeshi Murakami collaborated on a piece that debuted at Art Basel in Switzerland. Murakami did his usual anime monster sculpture (zzzz) and then your boy Skateboard P added a gold bag of Doritos and a cupcake covered in diamonds (courtesy of Jacob the Jeweler). This sold for over $2 million. Are Dick Clark and Ed McMahon hiding behind the sofa waiting for my reaction?

I'll be honest, I always thought Murakami's style was dope but he's deep into one trick pony status at this point, and his "celeb collabos" are real jokes. I am still debating whether the iced-up Pepsi can, the hat or Pharrell's rebuke of "bling" is the dumbest part of this video. This is the type of shit that makes me want to stop using the Internet.

SAM SEDER AT THE LETTERMAN PROTEST

How bored/ dumb do you have to be to participate one of these lame-ass Republican-sponsored protests? Talk about being pawns... I wish these people would redirect their energy towards a more productive protest, like decreasing Co2 emissions. They could start by killing themselves, and drasticly/ permanently reducing their own carbon output.

MARK THE SHARK

Mark Maron's genius new clip from Air America's BreakRoom Live. I watch it every day.

JEALOUS MUCH?

Check out this ill GG Allin bobblehead I just kopped; -hands down the best investment I've ever made. Get off my nuts!!

WEDDING CHICK BRAWL

I have to say, I absolutely love this kind of thing. The 3-way hair tug-o-war near the end is superb! Peep game.

Sexy Daughters

I credit this video with reminding me that Lacey Duvalle, Eva Angelina and Kayden Kross are all someone's daughter. I had been so brainwashed by porn that I thought they were robots or grown in pods. I never really considered that porn actresses come from loving homes with caring parents. Inspired by the protagonist in this video, I am now in the market for a second home just for porn watching. It's embarrassing when my wife catches me scoping daughters.

OVERRATED PEOPLE

•RONALD REAGAN- 2nd worst president in history. Republicans, shut your fucking holes.
•WES ANDERSON- I don't get why everyone likes his movies. I mean, they're aiiight... But if I wanted to watch some emo-drama set to an Elliott Smith soundtrack I'd... -Wait... -I'd never want to do that.
•MEGAN FOX- Yeah, you look good, but it's in a way I don't care about... Plus, you are shamelessly biting Angelina Jolie. Get off her log.
•ANGELINA JOLIE-Mega-overrated. I was never fully on board with her whole program. Plus her dad Jon Voight is a lunatic Republican
•JAY LENO- I don't get this dude at all... Your shit has always sucked.
•CARLOS MENCIA- I actually get pissed thinking about this fraudulent non-comedian. Why do you have a show?? Why does anyone watch it??
•JIMMY FALLON- You've never been funny once. Not once.
•CARSON DAILY- You may as well be Jimmy Fallon, because you are equally as uninteresting. -Wait, why are you famous again?
•KEVIN McHALE- Actually, you're not at all overrated, everyone is fully aware of how bad you suck and how you are solely responsible for running the Timberwolves franchise into the ground.
•ROBIN WILLIAMS- Hey, guess what? talking in a million different annoying voices and being completely obnoxious isn't comedic genius. It's called being on coke.

I VOW TO DROPKICK MY BRIDE IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH

What is it about gymnasts?

Your imagination has less work to do if the male is wearing short tight clothing. This allows you to play multiple games whilst the gymnast play their own games. You can be mentally undressing them, guess their penis size whilst perving on their balls, wait and see how far the wedgie will ride up their butt before they pull it out, if you are able to interact with the gymnasts try rubbing their thighs to see if their nipples go hard and if you're that close put your hand on their butt an feel for their underwear if it's a g-string give it a cheeky tug.

just go ahead and skip to the guys at the 3:30 mark...

fuck. (shaking head in disgust)

Feeling the need to post something to even out the shameless self promoting i did with that last post, so here you go... i've been sitting on this image for a LONG time. never felt i could look at it again or even invest in the thought of it long enough to actually deal with putting it on LOA, but i owe it to you all, either thank me in the comments or just directly through PayPal.

yup. that's a for real hairy tongue. now go chug a gallon of Listerine.

you can thank Caswell for the tongue image. fuck.

Attention Fuko fans...

As of this weekend (only in japan) a print i designed for the beautiful FUKO will be available for purchase! i dont wanna ramble on here trying to make you buy stuff, just figured i should clue you in.

go here to get more info... Mumble
go here to snap one up... gracefromfalling.com

Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

Wow. Call the coroner because it's a fajita for Nicolas Cage's career. Val Kilmer's is on life support and Eva Mendes is now an official D-lister. This is directed by Werner Herzog, but if you told me that it was directed by Master P, I would believe you. I don't know what's worse: the acting, that someone would put Xzibit in a movie, that Xzibit doesn't hold his gun sideways, or that this is a "conceptual" sequel to the incredible Harvey Keitel movie of the same name? Let me save everyone a lot of trouble and just go straight to Blockbuster with this one.

NOW EAT

not exactly what Lynch Hung was talkin' about, but you get the idea...

LOA MOVIE REVIEWS: by Jay Money

REVOLUTIONARY ROAD
Yeah, so I finally saw that movie “Revolutionary Road.” It’s about this married couple in the ‘50s who are always fighting about dumb shit and then they decide that if they move to Paris and go look at the Eiffel Tower and eat bon-bons then they’ll magically fall in love again and stop hating their empty lives. But they never make the move because DiCaprio goes swimming without his trunks and gets his wife Kate Winslet prego. Kate Winslet never even gets naked in this movie, either. I did see her naked in another movie where she’s having an affair with this dude who wants to be a skateboarder until he tries to ollie some steps and gets jacked up real bad. At one point after they’re done boning you see Winslet naked and her butt’s all funny shaped and her boob looks like a deflated water bottle. I tried to watch that other movie where she’s a Nazi, but that shit was wack as hell, and I shut it off after like a half-hour.
But back to “Revolutionary Road,” though. DiCaprio is knocking down this fine-ass little secretary and I wasn’t mad at her one bit. But then there’s this part where they show the secretary’s boobs for two seconds and they look like a couple cone heads—I couldn’t even tell if she had any nipples. I’d still knock it down though, the secretary chick, not Kate Winslet.


TWILIGHT
This movie takes place in this small town where all these vampires happen to live. There’s good vampires and bad vampires, and one of the bad vampires kind of looks like Lil’ Wayne. The main actress falls in love with one of the good vampires.
There’s this part where they show the main vampire running up the side of this mountain with this girl on his back like he’s Flash Gordon. Then they get to the top of the mountain and he’s like, “I’ve got to show you what I am.” He opens his shirt and his chest is sparkling like a crystal chandelier. Dude, yeah, you’re a vampire! If you really want to show someone what you’re all about then suck some blood—what the fuck does a sparkly-ass chest have to do with being a vampire? Then he basically tells her that he wants to suck her blood, and she’s like, “I don’t care, I still like you.” I’ve seen some dumb broads, but this one might take the cake.

The wackest part of the movie, though, is when all these vampires are playing baseball and they’re jumping 60 feet in the air like they’re on a Gatorade commercial. Then the bad guy vampires show up and want to suck the mortal girl’s blood and there’s this big stand off. That Lil’ Wayne vampire ends up helping the good vampires towards the end of the movie, though.

HORRIBLE RAP FRIDAY: THE 'UNSTOPPABLE' LIL' KING...

I wonder if Lil' King is going to drop the 'Lil' ala (Lil') Bow Wow when he turns 16 or so, signifying that he's entering young adulthood. So what then? -just 'King'?... -How about Martin Luther King! That'd be swaggalicious! I always thought that Dr. King had a certain level of swag, that in many ways reminds me of Lil' King, so it only makes sense. OH SHIT-YEAH! -And the title of his first major label album could be entitled "I have a dream". The cover art would be like a photo of Lil' King -Sorry- Lil' Martin Luther King, in a race car bed with brightly colored all-over-print, diamond logo linens having a dream about owning both a Louis-bag and a Gucci-bag filled to the top with money! Yo! Lil' MLK- Get at me dogg! I want to manage your career son!

Maybe Chris Tucker Was Right

The man who drove his car through City Hall last year was sentenced Wednesday to more than 10 years in prison.

Marcus Johnson, 33, faces 122 months of incarceration after crashing through a set of glass doors at City Hall in January 2008 and continuing through the building before slamming into the west wall of the parking garage.

His sentence includes time for convictions of criminal damage to property and two counts of criminal threats linked to the crash into City Hall, and one count of battery of a law enforcement officer later at the Sedgwick County Jail.

Authorities said Johnson became angered when a police officer told him to turn down the music in his car while he was parked at a south Wichita convenience store early on the morning of Jan. 7, 2008.

World's Greatest

40, 8 and 8 in a dominating win. I hate nearly everything about the Lakers (fruity fans, virgin players, etc.), but Kobe is the best player in the NBA. How many players get a tribute song from Lil Wayne? Sorry to break it to the haters, but Kobe is going to get his ring without Shaq. Lakers in 6.

IN RESPONSE TO THAT ROSARIO DAWSON DEBATE:

I know they're fake, but dont kill my high bro...

YOUR REIGN ON THE TOP WAS SHORT LIKE LEPRECHAUNS

(For lack of a better rap lyric to accompany this photo.)

HORRIBLE RAP THURSDAY: LIL' TUPAC

Did Tupac ever die, or did he just turn into a horrible child rapper? -You decide:

TALKING POINTS MEMO: WHO'S HOTTER THAN ROSARIO DAWSON?

During an impromptu debate tournament of hot celeb vs. hot celeb, LOA staffer Kid Lover posed the question "Who's hotter than Rosario Dawson?". Although it seems like there should be an answer to this, I've yet to come up with a solid candidate 24-odd hours later. So who do we got? -I'm baffled. Write answers in the comments below.

HORRIBLE RAP WEDNESDAY: REMEDY 2 -YOUNG CRUSH

Danm, shorty's got mad flow. Children rapping is always a good idea if you ask me.

TALLER BALLER: NEW WORLD'S TALLEST MAN DISCOVERED IN CHINA

When 27-year-old Zhao Liang walked into a clinic in rural China for treatment for a foot injury, the doctors surely received a bit of a shock. When they measured Liang he turned out to be 8.1 feet tall, which would make him the tallest man in the world. In the video below Liang discusses how he has always been taller than other boys and his mother weighs in with her greatest concern over his height: that he may not be able to find a wife.
The current holder of the Guiness World Record for height is Bao Xishun , a herdsman from Inner Mongolia (Liang's mother should be cheered by the fact that Xishun was able to find himself a wife, and she clocks in at a pretty normal 5 feet 6 inches). His title was briefly taken from him by Leonid Stadnyk, who came in at a staggering 8 feet 5 inches but who refused to be measured under new official Guiness records, and thus the title was given back to Bao Xishun. Bao Xishun is 7 feet 9 inches, so if the Guiness people can get to Zaho Liang and measure him, then he'll take over the title of tallest man in the world.

HORRIBLE RAP TUESDAY: GERMAN THUGZ

Dude, rapping is so easy... All you need to do is be able to talk, and wear a hat (sideways).

HORRIBLE RAP MONDAY: POOP RAP FREESTYLE

I can't front, this dude is dope. In fact, anyone who can freestyle about poop for 6 minutes straight is dope.