A CONCERNED CITIZEN'S LETTER TO SNICKERDOODLES

Each and every day, we get tons of letters and e-mails from our readers. Longtime LOA O.G./ author, Nicolo Vecki wrote the following commentary on our country's inability to capture Osama Bin Laden. I think maybe he might have been under the assumption that we were actually looking for him in the first place.

Yeah, I don’t mean to beat a dead horse, but is anyone looking for Bin Laden anymore? First this dude disappears from the planet, now he’s disappeared from the national consciousness. We need some people with some long-ass attention spans to stay focused on this shit. If Einstein was still around he would figure out where this dude is at. What is Stephen Hawking working on right now? We might need to pull that dude off studying the gravitational pull of black holes for a while or whatever the fuck he’s doing and help figure this shit out. Get him and John Poindexter from the Total Information Awareness project and that French dude who’s the leader of the Raeliens who was supposedly the first person to successfully clone a human. Get these dudes to do a colabo’ and crank out some algorithms on one of those computers on the show CSI, or one of those IBM super computers that do a half trillion computations a second and figure out some shit and find this fucker. I’m just an average dude running Windows 98 and I can use my computer to see my house from outer space, and study the goddamn license plates on the cars on my street, and see some goddamn kids playing basketball in the park around the corner—so I know the government’s got some shit that’s like 100times as powerful as Google Maps, or whatever. They can shoot down a satellite that’s going 17 thousand miles per hour but they can’t find this dude. What did they shoot that thing down for anyway? Couldn’t they recalibrate that thing to just look for Bin Laden? Instead they blow it up 130 miles above the earth so all that toxic shit goes into the atmosphere. We’re probably breathing trace amounts of hydrazine right now and I heard that one ounce of that shit is enough to kill a shit ton of people—and there was one thousand pounds of that shit on the satellite, so do the math.

All I know is this dude was putting out more videos than Madonna for a while and you’re telling me we can’t get some cave dust off one of those tapes and trace it to the exact X and Y coordinates in goddamn Kandahar or Anbar province or wherever? They can find water crystals on Mars and they can’t find this dude. They genetically modified a goat to shoot spider webs out of is teats, I mean shit, the technology is obviously there to do it if they really want to. What’s Bill Belichick doing? It’s the off season and I know that dude’s got some spy-tech shit we can use. Let’s get something going.

-WAY2RAD