JOHN AND KATE PLUS 8 –by Jay Money

Every time I’m in the checkout aisle at the grocery store I see all these magazines talking about some couple named Jon and Kate. The chick’s white and real basic looking—not fine or nothing. And the dude is half-Chinese-half-white and looks like the dude from that group Fine Young Cannibals. And the cover story is always something like, “Jon is messing around with some other chick and Kate’s finally leaving him.” I asked one of the cashiers who in the fuck these people are and she’s like, “Oh, they have eight kids and they have this reality show called ‘Jon and Kate Plus 8.’” I guess all you have to do to be famous these days is have a shit-ton of kids. Look at that Octomom lady, or whatever. My sister’s like, “That Octomom lady’s crazy—she thinks she’s Angelina Jolie.” I said so fucking what? Every damn body I know’s crazy—that doesn’t mean I want to sit around talking about them all day. Fuck dude, they might as well give my trashy-ass aunt a reality show. She has eight or nine kids all by different dudes and doesn’t do shit besides sit around and smoke cigarettes, drink Captain Cokes, and eat McDonalds dollar-menu shit. I guarantee some dumb fuckers would watch her if she had a show, too. I guess this Jon dude is always creeping around with different chicks all the time, too. I bet you could pull mad chicks if you had a TV show—even if the show was weak as hell. That dude probably pulls chicks just for looking like that dude from Fine Young Cannibals, too, or whatever.

JUICING -By Jay Money

I know this has been going on for a while, or whatever, but it seems like every time I see ESPN they’re talking about some different athlete being on the juice. Ortiz, or Big Papi, or whatever was being interviewed last week talking about, “No I don’t know anything about what all different types of drugs I’m on.” Yeah, alright dude. I never understood why Manny Ramirez was taking that lady hormone at first, but I guess that taking steroids is the equivalent of your nuts times 100, or whatever. And after a while your nuts get overwhelmed and just shut down, and I guess that lady hormone was supposed to jump-start his nuts to do their job again, or whatever.

“THE DaVINCI CODE" BOOK REVIEW-By Jay Money

I have this buddy who was saying that there are descendents of Jesus Christ just walking around the streets right now. Like, you could be sitting on the bus and the person next to you could be Jesus’ great, great, great grandchild. Buillshit, I said. Everyone knows Jesus was a virgin. Him and his mom were both virgins, I said. I’m pretty sure they even talk about that in the bible. I guarantee there’s nothing in the bible saying that dude was out here getting chicks prego. But my buddy was talking about this book called, “The DaVinci Code” that says Jesus had kids. So I got a copy of “The DaVinci Code,” but the shit is super long, so I found this dude at work who said he saw the movie and just had him tell me about it. I guess the main people in the story are following this trail of clues so they can solve this murder and all these religious, secret society dudes are trying to kill them. Then at the end they figure out that this chick is the descendant of Jesus, but she never knew it. I guess that painter DaVinci hid a picture of the chick Jesus was hooking up with in his painting “The Last Supper,” but everybody thought the chick was a dude for a super long time. I guess that DaVinci dude was pretty messed up, though. I heard he drank a shit-ton of absinthe and cut off his ear and sent it to this lady he wanted to hook up with. They sell that absinthe again now, but I don’t think it gets you messed up and makes you hallucinate real bad like that shit they had five hundred years ago. Plus, if that shit really got you that messed up then all the rappers would be talking about it all the time like they talk about that promethazine or lean, or whatever.

MEDICAL MARIJUANA by: Jay Money

Dude yeah, I was flipping channels today and saw this news show on CNN talking about medical marijuana and how they’re talking about taxing the sales of it to help pay for the California budget crisis, or whatever. All I know is they showed this 70-year-old hippie with braids scooping something labeled Burmese Cush out of an industrial-sized container like he was bagging up some granola at the grocery store. This shit was all gnarled up with all kinds of different blue and purple hairs protruding all over the place like a goddamn spirogyra. Dude, yeah, let me come up on some shit like that. I’ve gotten plenty of chicks naked off some regular-ass weed before, so I know if I had that Burmese shit I could step my game up to some Wilt Chamberlain-type shit, no problem. I mean, I’ve smoked a bunch of different crazy shit before, don’t get me wrong. I smoked some shit called Train Wreck that made me black out, fall down the steps and then have to get a bunch of stitches in my head, but it was nothing like this CNN weed. Then they were saying that LA has more of these medical marijuana places than Starbucks coffee shops. Yeah, how much is a plane ticket to LA? Are you kiddin’? I’ll be dancing the Makarenna and speaking in tongues. My buddy was saying that he smoked some crazy shit in Amsterdam that made him think he was dead. I’m not trying to get that bat shit-ass high. But if I get my hands on some of that LA, CNN weed I do plan on getting pretty super fucking high, though.

LOA MOVIE REVIEWS: by Jay Money

REVOLUTIONARY ROAD
Yeah, so I finally saw that movie “Revolutionary Road.” It’s about this married couple in the ‘50s who are always fighting about dumb shit and then they decide that if they move to Paris and go look at the Eiffel Tower and eat bon-bons then they’ll magically fall in love again and stop hating their empty lives. But they never make the move because DiCaprio goes swimming without his trunks and gets his wife Kate Winslet prego. Kate Winslet never even gets naked in this movie, either. I did see her naked in another movie where she’s having an affair with this dude who wants to be a skateboarder until he tries to ollie some steps and gets jacked up real bad. At one point after they’re done boning you see Winslet naked and her butt’s all funny shaped and her boob looks like a deflated water bottle. I tried to watch that other movie where she’s a Nazi, but that shit was wack as hell, and I shut it off after like a half-hour.
But back to “Revolutionary Road,” though. DiCaprio is knocking down this fine-ass little secretary and I wasn’t mad at her one bit. But then there’s this part where they show the secretary’s boobs for two seconds and they look like a couple cone heads—I couldn’t even tell if she had any nipples. I’d still knock it down though, the secretary chick, not Kate Winslet.


TWILIGHT
This movie takes place in this small town where all these vampires happen to live. There’s good vampires and bad vampires, and one of the bad vampires kind of looks like Lil’ Wayne. The main actress falls in love with one of the good vampires.
There’s this part where they show the main vampire running up the side of this mountain with this girl on his back like he’s Flash Gordon. Then they get to the top of the mountain and he’s like, “I’ve got to show you what I am.” He opens his shirt and his chest is sparkling like a crystal chandelier. Dude, yeah, you’re a vampire! If you really want to show someone what you’re all about then suck some blood—what the fuck does a sparkly-ass chest have to do with being a vampire? Then he basically tells her that he wants to suck her blood, and she’s like, “I don’t care, I still like you.” I’ve seen some dumb broads, but this one might take the cake.

The wackest part of the movie, though, is when all these vampires are playing baseball and they’re jumping 60 feet in the air like they’re on a Gatorade commercial. Then the bad guy vampires show up and want to suck the mortal girl’s blood and there’s this big stand off. That Lil’ Wayne vampire ends up helping the good vampires towards the end of the movie, though.