R. Kelly Is For The Children

Since 1929, the Bud Billiken Parade has been a tradition for children on Chicago's South Side. The parade marks the return of the school year and has featured grand marshals such as Michael Jordan, Barack Obama, Oprah Winfrey and Lena Horne. The 2011 parade was yesterday, hosted by functional illiterate/ accused child pornographer R. Kelly. Sounds like an obvious choice. I'll let the Sun-Times take it from here:

A man who admits he cannot read and famously beat child-porn charges might not seem the most obvious honorary grand marshal of a children’s back-to-school parade. But there was nothing but love for superstar R&B crooner R. Kelly at the Bud Billiken parade. Families cheered for Kelly — who has been recovering from throat surgery last month — the entire parade route. As his sexually charged tunes blared from a sound system, he smiled and waved back.

"You’re still my baby, no matter what you did!” yelled one fan, Leslie Kaizer, 36.

Most parade-goers agreed, maintaining that charges that Kelly filmed himself having sex with and urinating on a 14-year-old should have been forgotten after 2008, when jurors couldn’t be sure it was him on the infamous tape. “Isn’t that what justice is in the United States?” said Tiffany Levy, 38, a mother of two girls.

Kelly, 44, acknowledged his literacy problem in 2009, telling an audience, “I don’t even read really, and I’m not afraid to say that. My cousins and brothers used to tease me ‘You can’t even read right.’ ” But his supporters Saturday said that didn’t harm his role in the pro-education event.

Kelly asked to participate in the parade, said Beverly “Earth Momma” Reed-Scott of Chicago Defender Charities. And while most celebrities “wave from a float and go home,” Kelly visited with youths whose training in green technologies is supported by the parade, Reed-Scott said.

SteamPunks VS. Juggalos

There may be debate as to who the lowest man on the totem pole is in terms of retarded subcultures. But for the moment, let's evaluate two. I recently came across the SteamPunk culture while on a trip to Berkeley (weird, huh). They speak with terrible British accents. They refer to garbage as "rubbish", and trash cans as "rubbish tins". I overheard one steampunk say to another steampunk, "Clockwork cufflinks!?! Seems to be all the rage these days." All these dudes are from the west coast, i doubt a british steam punk exists. And they also like to wear goggles on top of their top hats. Juggalos don't really need as much of a description. They've had years to get noticed. I realize this isn't a fair fight in the physical sense. The SteamPunks are a bunch of corset wearing fancy lads. The juggalos thrive on wrestling and teen pregnancy. But who's worse? Would you rather be the son, or daughter, of a SteamPunk? or a Juggalo? Pick your side.