PATRIOTIC-ASS MONDAYS!!

If you think people are hyped now that we've killed Osama Bin Laden, wait until we find Al Qaida's #1 operative Dick Cheney! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Obama: Don't Call It A Comeback

As I type this, CNN is showing a guy in a Jozy Altidore authentic leading USA chants while cheerleaders do flips at the White House. I was sort of hoping that they'd catch Bin Laden alive and then let Derek Jeter and Keith Hernandez take a couple of swings for New York. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get back to playing Call of Duty with renewed enthusiasm.

A CONCERNED CITIZEN'S LETTER TO SNICKERDOODLES

Each and every day, we get tons of letters and e-mails from our readers. Longtime LOA O.G./ author, Nicolo Vecki wrote the following commentary on our country's inability to capture Osama Bin Laden. I think maybe he might have been under the assumption that we were actually looking for him in the first place.

Yeah, I don’t mean to beat a dead horse, but is anyone looking for Bin Laden anymore? First this dude disappears from the planet, now he’s disappeared from the national consciousness. We need some people with some long-ass attention spans to stay focused on this shit. If Einstein was still around he would figure out where this dude is at. What is Stephen Hawking working on right now? We might need to pull that dude off studying the gravitational pull of black holes for a while or whatever the fuck he’s doing and help figure this shit out. Get him and John Poindexter from the Total Information Awareness project and that French dude who’s the leader of the Raeliens who was supposedly the first person to successfully clone a human. Get these dudes to do a colabo’ and crank out some algorithms on one of those computers on the show CSI, or one of those IBM super computers that do a half trillion computations a second and figure out some shit and find this fucker. I’m just an average dude running Windows 98 and I can use my computer to see my house from outer space, and study the goddamn license plates on the cars on my street, and see some goddamn kids playing basketball in the park around the corner—so I know the government’s got some shit that’s like 100times as powerful as Google Maps, or whatever. They can shoot down a satellite that’s going 17 thousand miles per hour but they can’t find this dude. What did they shoot that thing down for anyway? Couldn’t they recalibrate that thing to just look for Bin Laden? Instead they blow it up 130 miles above the earth so all that toxic shit goes into the atmosphere. We’re probably breathing trace amounts of hydrazine right now and I heard that one ounce of that shit is enough to kill a shit ton of people—and there was one thousand pounds of that shit on the satellite, so do the math.

All I know is this dude was putting out more videos than Madonna for a while and you’re telling me we can’t get some cave dust off one of those tapes and trace it to the exact X and Y coordinates in goddamn Kandahar or Anbar province or wherever? They can find water crystals on Mars and they can’t find this dude. They genetically modified a goat to shoot spider webs out of is teats, I mean shit, the technology is obviously there to do it if they really want to. What’s Bill Belichick doing? It’s the off season and I know that dude’s got some spy-tech shit we can use. Let’s get something going.

-WAY2RAD

BIN LADEN COMIC MISTAKEN FOR CANADIAN DIPLOMAT... -GOOD TIMES FOR EVERYONE!

A group of Australian comedians, including one dressed as terrorist leader Osama bin Laden, have managed to penetrate the high-security lockdown in place in Sydney, where world leaders have gathered for Asia Pacific Economic Cooperation (Apec) talks. The security measures, the toughest ever imposed in Australia, include closing much of the city and erecting steel and concrete barriers around landmarks such as the Opera House. Snipers are in position on rooftops, counter-terrorism police have been deployed on the harbour and fighter jets patrol the skies while dignitaries, including US President George W Bush, Chinese President Hu Jintao and Russian leader Vladimir Putin, get down to the serious business of diplomacy. But eleven comedians, armed with a three black cars, two motorbikes, cheap Canadian flags and a lot of cheek, managed to beat security by convincing police they were an official motorcade carrying a Canadian delegation - despite the fact one was dressed as the world’s most wanted terrorist. The mischief-making comics from The Chaser, a popular skit programme broadcast on the government-funded Australian Broadcasting Corporation, took advantage of confusion among police as dozens of official motorcades criss-crossed the city. Officers waved them through at least one security barrier and by the time police realised they were patsy to a high-profile prank, the "motorcade" was on the same street as the hotel where Mr Bush was staying. The comedians were arrested and charged under special Apec laws, which prohibit entry into a restricted area without justification. While some frontline police officers saw the funny side of the stunt, laughing and joking with the de-bearded bin Laden impersonator, senior officials were not impressed. New South Wales police minister David Campbell said the prank was inappropriate and he "did not see the funny side at all". He denied he was embarrassed by the incident and attempted to put a rather humourless spin on the breach, saying he was pleased the "multi-layered" security had worked. The Chaser comedians are so notorious for their high jinks that police approached them before Apec and warned them against pulling a prank. In a finale to today’s stunt, the arrested comedians and their cars, which had been seized, enjoyed a high-speed ride to a Sydney police station in an official, seven-vehicle police motorcade. The irony will not escape them.