August 18, 2009
I guess the autopsy of the OxiClean guy showed that he was doing a bunch of cocaine. I guess that explains why that dude was always jumping around and getting super geeked about pretty weak stuff like cleaning products and some magic crayon that will take scratches out of your car. Coke’s something I never really fucked with all that much. For one, that shit’s super expensive. Two, by the time it gets to my neighborhood a bunch of Mexicans have already stepped all over it and cut it up with all types of different shit until there’s barely any coke in it anymore. And third, as a general rule I think any drug you snort or shoot is bound to cause major problems down the road. I guess that Keith Richards dude mixed his dad’s cremated ashes with coke and snorted it. Then his publicist was like, “No, he didn’t do that.” But I guarantee he did. I heard that Bush Jr. used to do a shit-ton of coke, too. Plus, think about it, if your dad’s the head of the CIA you’re going to be coming up on that un-cut, Colombian pipeline shit. I bet that dude was making ski-hill mounds out of that shit and burying his face in it Tony Montana style. Or making maps of the U.S. and snorting it up like Nick Cage’s brother in that movie “Lord of War.” I think the dude in that movie snorted up a map of the Ukraine, though. This dude at work was saying that if you rub a little coke on your tallywacker you can have sex for a real long time—it’s supposed to numb it or something. I remember this news story about a dude who shot cocaine into his tallywacker—like with a needle—and his junk shriveled up and fell off. Dude, yeah, I’m sure it seemed like a good idea at the time, but I bet that dude wishes he could get a do-over on that one.