LORDS OF APATHY

November 8, 2009

CHUD OR NO CHUD?: KELLY OSBOURNE

A great man once said: "The true essence of' Chud or No Chud' lies in it's power to make us all dredge the depths of our sexual depravity. It makes us publicly confront the parameters of who we'd bone, in spite of subjecting yourself to the scorn and ridicule of your peers."
-Snickerdoodles McPoppycock Esquire
I believe that right here, right now, we as a people can do something critically important to shape the future of our world. It is not enough for us to just sit idly by and let others decide which marginally attractive entertainers or television personalities are chuds and which are subchuds. We must seize the opportunity, and make these petty, frivolous judgements for ourselves. Who among you has the guts and integrity to man up, stand with me, and take this week's 'Chud or No Chud© ' challenge? (Click image to enlarge the horror)
In many ways, Kelly Osbourne embodies everything that sickens me about humanity. Her rise to fame is emblematic of a generation where you you can be a famous celebrity despite not having done jack dick. Try explaining to a young kid the merits of hard work and perseverance after they've just watched an episode of 'My Super Sweet 16'. Imagine growing up in a world where for some reason we happen to know who Kelly Osbourne even is, solely based on the fact that her now quivering irrelevant mumbling dad was semi-cool like 30 years ago... -Yeah dude, You're the "Prince of Darkness" -I remember you telling me on MTV2 and that Verizon commercial. -Seriously dude, just stoppit already...

Anyways, this brings me to the thesis question of this thing. -Would you bone Kelly Osbourne? Nobody's got to know. -Your possibly a little bit drunk on a thursday night and feelin lonely... Despite her disgusting, gothic, chubby, pasty, Sammy Sosa-esque, face of hers; -about a foot south of that monstrosity, lies some pretty major juggs... It is what it is people, I calls it like I sees it. -That's just what she brings to the table. I present you the facts and I let you sort it out.

A few rules for your evaluation:
The chud-spectrum breaks down into 3 general categories: 1.Hot 2.Chud, and 3.Sub-Chud:
• The Hot category is a no-brainer. Everyone and their dad would hit that. -Think Emanuelle Chirqui...
• In the Chud category, there's a glimmer of something there. You can't quite put your finger on what that is, but most likely you'd put your dick on what that is...-(provided that shit stays on Downlow.) -Think Kelly Clarkson
• Sub-Chud is pretty self explanatory; It's not happening...-EVER. No way, no how. -think Republican congresswoman Michelle Bachman.

In the Comments section below, please leave your stance on where you think Kelly Osbourne falls on the chud-spectrum, and site reasons for your decision. We will be scientifically compiling this data to come up with the official verdict as to weather or not she is indeed a chud or not. Good luck everybody!!

35 comments:

G said...

Chud. In the dark your hands do all the seeing.

Jersey Joe said...

eeewe... No CHUD! She was thrown about a mile past the line I drew in the sand

Snickerdoodles McPoppycock said...

Quit lying motherfucker... I've heard about the warewolf, and what he's capable of.

MYLES O'STOOLEY said...

Chudski..I site the scooter theory on this one..they are fun to ride but you don't want your friends to see you on one..

Sista Nancy said...

OMG! MYLES IS HILARIOUS!!! Snikerdoodles! Thats probably what people feel when they see CHOMPER!!! HAHAHA!

boozin sarandon said...

nah...

http://www.hecklerspray.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/07/kelly-osbourne.jpg

bastion of suffering said...

"Pit bull face" hahaha... I'm gonna say sub chud. Now I wouldn't rule out a bj, but only if there was nothing I had to do to get it, like touch her/it.

PIZZA VILLAIN said...

Im going with SUB CHUD on this one...theres no way im going where every other shitty "alternative" rock n roll act has gone before. Homegirl isnt even worthy enough to catch some fame off. I mean sure her pops is Ozzy but who gives a fuck anymore!? There isnt enough whiskey in the world that would make me want to stick it to this hussy. Its about quality not quantity with this one. SUB CHUD!

Bone Dog said...

sub chud. reasons being is that she looks like she could have some serious vaginal funk at any moment.

plus she looks like she stinks.

platinumseagulls said...

Sub-CHUD; that Sammy Sosa comparison was way too on point.

bastion of suffering said...

Yeah the smell is definitely the deal breaker.

J Bizzle said...

firstly, in the photo she looks like alice from alice in wonderland, but if alice ate hostess products 3x a day for several years.

I dont think the large tits would really help make the decision. im sure we all see fat chicks with big tits sometimes (or maybe not in california) and it never really makes you stop and say: "wow those are nice."

sub chud.

HOST18 said...

Chud.. This is the kinda bitch you wanna make cry. I would def fuck the fat outta her. I agree that she looks like shes got some serious pond scum odor seeping from her and that can be the deal breaker. I would insist on a shower before hand.

scoopy f. baby said...

now i know this isn't a judgement on my account.. buuuuut i do in fact have a friend who apparently thought she was more than. they mustve fucked more than a baker's dozen or so times and totally sure he even held her hand. im not saying i would, im just sayin somebody did. and i think that there gives her solid ground to stand on in the CHUD arena.

bastion of suffering said...

Damn this is so crucial Host had to comment.. I'm gonna sprinkle all yall... This bitch is a straight SLAM HOGGG!!! Scud bromelo/swamp donkey...

bastion of suffering said...

Maybe a good hate-fuck

J Bizzle said...

Wow the polls seemed to have turned. pause?

bastion of suffering said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
bastion of suffering said...

Naw, although it might seem, no pause is needed... (I can see how you could easily confuse johnna hill and ms osborn)

Anonymous said...

are you fucking kidding me?

bnjork said...

hrm. i feel like 1/2way through she would start smelling like fried chicken.

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Detroit Murder Dog said...

I once stood 6 inches from her at a rock club in Chicago (she was trying to get in for free and was turned away because the doorman had never heard of her). I can say with 100% certainty that was the closest I would ever want my penis to be to her. In fact, that situation was maybe too close.

Anonymous said...

Wait, which Kelly are we talking about?

http://news.makemeheal.com/images/kelly-osbourne-plastic-surgery2.jpg

sixler said...

^^^either...no amount of plastic surgery attempting to match the "johnny depp charlie and the chocolate factory" look can save the bitch..its the smell

bnjork said...

to the smell guys:
lets say you have a cold/fucked up nose AND have been hitting the nyquil a little harder than usual.

??

T.H.L.A.T. (can't spell) said...

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-CHUD all the way. there is more than a glimmer of something there.

here is my problem...

im voting "CHUD", but i don't think i would have to or even want to keep it on the DL, but at the same time there is no way id say she's "hot"... so im going for CHUD as she leans way more that direction than "hot". but i still wouldn't really have to think twice... assuming its not on the regs.

FUCK OFF.

bo said...

her only accomplishment was having been shot out of ozzy's unit.but you already know me none the less.....chud

Anonymous said...

CHUD, though with the caveat that fat chicks with big tata's are left with wet football socks when they slim down. No doubt, she's had surgery, but i'm a bit of a boobie purist. In spite of her downward facing fun bags, i'd hit that.

strange said...

kelly osbourne broke the chud meter by forcing it to go too far negative. send back to manufacturer for warrantee

no chud

Chef Rykwon said...

Yeeeeeeeeaaaaah................CHUD. I saw her on TV two nights ago and despite having a green wig and mashed up grill, she had some pretty thick legs and appeared to have much back. So much, in fact, that I caught myself thinking that I would hit it, given the chance. If nobody knew, I'd break her fucking back. So whatever. If you can't be honest on LOA, where else can a man turn?

T.H.L.A.T. (can't spell) said...

fuck yes Chef!! that's what I'm screamin... LOA is about REAL TALK, point blank. I hear what you are all saying with the "SUB-CHUD" votes, but are you voting "SUB-CHUD" cus you mean it for REAL, or cus you think it makes you look better to the rest of us? cus I pretty much don't buy it. I know some of you and i know what you REALLY mean when you say "SUB-CHUD"... or maybe I'm projecting??? who cares.

G Code said...

SUB CHUD, no doubt.

Anonymous said...

Major chud. Fat girls are rad. And the girl has legs like tree trunks.

s.poe said...

is she KELLY OSBOURNE? or is she "chubby girl thirsting for positive attention with a black card" lemme know.