What Not To Wear

Lollapalooza is back in Chicago and everyone going to it is dressed terribly. Adults wearing youth-sized NBA jerseys, flip flops, feathered headbands, dirty feet, ironic jorts/fanny packs... Setting aside those awful looks, the absolute worst thing I've seen has got to be this:

I know these have been around for a minute, but in defiance of taste they have recently become publicly acceptable. Wearing five toe shoes in the street means that you lack shame, a mirror or both. Toms and Crocs look like the Jordan 3 in comparison. You'd think that feet gloves are the antidote to getting laid, but girls shockingly seem to have no problem with guys wearing them. I'm so confused right now. Between this shit, gangbangers wearing Hollister, and the existence of Tommy Bahama, this country is in a fashion tailspin.

What Part Of The Game Is This?

There is a game-within-a-game going on in the NBA Playoffs. Quiet as kept, the players are in a fierce competition to out-Urkel each other with the worst outfits outside of Williamsburg (pick one, NY or VA). I thought Russell Westbrook had it sewn up with his nautical nerd look, until Amare Stoudamire came off the bench with a post-apocalyptic Jewish hipster aesthetic. Dwayne Wade just called HORSE on all these fools with thick rimmed (pause) lensless glasses. For real, dude? Is "Hamburglar" the look that's popping in the streets? Are you Humpty Hump in a Digital Underground cover band? Is "fake disability" the new black? Oh man, I miss Derrick Rose...

HEY, WHAT THE FUCK'S UP WITH SAMMY SOSA?

Sammy Sosa's skin appears to have lightened considerably. Photographs taken at an event in Las Vegas reveal a surprisingly light pigmentation on the former slugger. While no cause has been established at this time, the web site Midwest Sports Fans speculates that steroid use could be responsible. Sosa appeared with his wife, Sonia at the Latin Grammys in Las Vegas over the weekend where he shocked the world with his new light almost white skin.The former MLB baseball player may be suffering from an illness such as Vitaligo or is he bleaching his skin? Sammy who was born with brown eyes was also spotted wearing green contact lenses. Looks like someone's been using the Pond's 'Flawless White'...

THE NEW FACE OF COMEDY!

Dana Carvey. 52 going on 14.