June 5, 2009
Yeah, so I finally saw that movie “Revolutionary Road.” It’s about this married couple in the ‘50s who are always fighting about dumb shit and then they decide that if they move to Paris and go look at the Eiffel Tower and eat bon-bons then they’ll magically fall in love again and stop hating their empty lives. But they never make the move because DiCaprio goes swimming without his trunks and gets his wife Kate Winslet prego. Kate Winslet never even gets naked in this movie, either. I did see her naked in another movie where she’s having an affair with this dude who wants to be a skateboarder until he tries to ollie some steps and gets jacked up real bad. At one point after they’re done boning you see Winslet naked and her butt’s all funny shaped and her boob looks like a deflated water bottle. I tried to watch that other movie where she’s a Nazi, but that shit was wack as hell, and I shut it off after like a half-hour.
But back to “Revolutionary Road,” though. DiCaprio is knocking down this fine-ass little secretary and I wasn’t mad at her one bit. But then there’s this part where they show the secretary’s boobs for two seconds and they look like a couple cone heads—I couldn’t even tell if she had any nipples. I’d still knock it down though, the secretary chick, not Kate Winslet.
This movie takes place in this small town where all these vampires happen to live. There’s good vampires and bad vampires, and one of the bad vampires kind of looks like Lil’ Wayne. The main actress falls in love with one of the good vampires.
There’s this part where they show the main vampire running up the side of this mountain with this girl on his back like he’s Flash Gordon. Then they get to the top of the mountain and he’s like, “I’ve got to show you what I am.” He opens his shirt and his chest is sparkling like a crystal chandelier. Dude, yeah, you’re a vampire! If you really want to show someone what you’re all about then suck some blood—what the fuck does a sparkly-ass chest have to do with being a vampire? Then he basically tells her that he wants to suck her blood, and she’s like, “I don’t care, I still like you.” I’ve seen some dumb broads, but this one might take the cake.
The wackest part of the movie, though, is when all these vampires are playing baseball and they’re jumping 60 feet in the air like they’re on a Gatorade commercial. Then the bad guy vampires show up and want to suck the mortal girl’s blood and there’s this big stand off. That Lil’ Wayne vampire ends up helping the good vampires towards the end of the movie, though.