LOA MOVIE REVIEWS: by Jay Money

REVOLUTIONARY ROAD
Yeah, so I finally saw that movie “Revolutionary Road.” It’s about this married couple in the ‘50s who are always fighting about dumb shit and then they decide that if they move to Paris and go look at the Eiffel Tower and eat bon-bons then they’ll magically fall in love again and stop hating their empty lives. But they never make the move because DiCaprio goes swimming without his trunks and gets his wife Kate Winslet prego. Kate Winslet never even gets naked in this movie, either. I did see her naked in another movie where she’s having an affair with this dude who wants to be a skateboarder until he tries to ollie some steps and gets jacked up real bad. At one point after they’re done boning you see Winslet naked and her butt’s all funny shaped and her boob looks like a deflated water bottle. I tried to watch that other movie where she’s a Nazi, but that shit was wack as hell, and I shut it off after like a half-hour.
But back to “Revolutionary Road,” though. DiCaprio is knocking down this fine-ass little secretary and I wasn’t mad at her one bit. But then there’s this part where they show the secretary’s boobs for two seconds and they look like a couple cone heads—I couldn’t even tell if she had any nipples. I’d still knock it down though, the secretary chick, not Kate Winslet.


TWILIGHT
This movie takes place in this small town where all these vampires happen to live. There’s good vampires and bad vampires, and one of the bad vampires kind of looks like Lil’ Wayne. The main actress falls in love with one of the good vampires.
There’s this part where they show the main vampire running up the side of this mountain with this girl on his back like he’s Flash Gordon. Then they get to the top of the mountain and he’s like, “I’ve got to show you what I am.” He opens his shirt and his chest is sparkling like a crystal chandelier. Dude, yeah, you’re a vampire! If you really want to show someone what you’re all about then suck some blood—what the fuck does a sparkly-ass chest have to do with being a vampire? Then he basically tells her that he wants to suck her blood, and she’s like, “I don’t care, I still like you.” I’ve seen some dumb broads, but this one might take the cake.

The wackest part of the movie, though, is when all these vampires are playing baseball and they’re jumping 60 feet in the air like they’re on a Gatorade commercial. Then the bad guy vampires show up and want to suck the mortal girl’s blood and there’s this big stand off. That Lil’ Wayne vampire ends up helping the good vampires towards the end of the movie, though.

CHUD OR NO CHUD?: KATE WINSLET EDITION

Welcome to round 2 of LOA's award-winning (/Josh Lazcano's favorite) gameshow 'Chud or No Chud'!! Based on the amount of responses left in the comments section of the last installment of 'Chud or No Chud', it proved to be one of LOA's most popular posts ever! In fact, the only other post to receive more comments was the one about Sanjaya's sister.
Basically, the point of this game is to try to separate the chuds from the non-chuds. For those of you who need a refresher on what the definition of a true chud is; -a 'chud' is a woman that is of questionable attractiveness, but despite her obvious physical flaws, you'd still be down to bone. The main determinant factor in a woman being a chud is not based on her perceived attractiveness, but rather, how ashamed you'd be to admit it to your friends. In this competition, you have to try to remove the 'famous factor' from the equation and evaluate her physical chudworthiness on it's own merits.(Click image to enlarge)
A few rules for your evaluation:
The chud-spectrum breaks down into 3 general categories: 1.Hot 2.Chud, and 3.Sub-Chud
• The Hot category is a no-brainer. Everyone and their dad would hit it. -Think Rosario Dawson.
• In the Chud category, there's a glimmer of something there. You can't quite put your finger on what it is, but most likely you'd put your dick on what it is...-provided that shit stays on Downlow. -Think Christina Ricci.
• Sub-Chud is pretty self explanatory; It's not happening...-EVER. No way, no how. -Think Kelly Osbourne.

In the Comments section below, please leave your stance on where you think Kate Winslet falls on the chud-spectrum and site reasons for your decision. We will be scientifically compiling this data to come up with the official verdict as to weather or not she is indeed a chud or not. Good luck contestants!!

LITTLE CHILDREN

At risk of coming off like a total bitch, I decided to put you up on this movie Little Children. Now before you go and watch it, let me just warn you that this is not going to be some blockbuster, feel-good hit-of-the-summer type of deal. As a matter of fact, when I saw it on cable last year, I cried; literally cried... Like an emotional little bitch.-Yeah, that's right, -I said it, Your boy Snickerdoodles has a sensitive side. You mighta thought I was all about handing out knuckle sandwiches, regulating on fools, and getting into verbal altercations with motherfuckers at the local donut shop... -You'd be correct in assuming that; however there's a whole other side to S-Dot that fools don't even know about... In fact, while we're on the sensitivity tip, why not re-visit my Dancing around the world post from a few days ago.

P.S. For all you 'Chud' enthusiasts out there in the LOA nation (heads up Munzie), My girl Kate Winslet is really bringin' her 'A' Chud game, gettin hella nude up in this bitch (well, not 'hella', but nude nonetheless)...Juliette Lewis,-watch your back!!