A Formal Apology (to DICKHEAD POSSE)

DICKHEAD POSSE said..."Guess what!!
Kid Lover is now gonna be on the unfortunate end of a BEEF!!!
We can tell, by his shitty cords and pale socks that he is a complete stranger to any and all confrontations, so we have decided (being bullies) that we are gonna start an LA jihad on his ass. HE officially has BEEF with US. Get ready to get FUCKED UP ON SIGHT. BITCH ASS MARK. We are gonna beat you like a fucking Pinata just for looking at us the way you are in that picture. Thank Snickerdoodles for your straight up hard core steady ratpacking.
Welcome to death, Pop-Tart, and FYI there's no way to unfuck yourself outta this situation. faggot. Nice haircut shitface."

Dear DICKHEAD POSSE, I feel like we started off on the wrong foot. Just a little background for you. I have two very close BLACK friends, (Like really black, one has a dad that played basketball, the other one has a dad that's like REALLY from Africa). I studied martial arts (Karate) at a very early age and retired shortly thereafter with a yellow belt (red stripe). I've seen Menace II Society at least 100 times. I even saw that piece of shit, Baby Boy. I may not be from the hood, but i think i get the jist of it. I've definitely bought drugs in the hood. I smoked crack once.

Now, DICKHEAD POSSE, I wanted to touch on a couple of things you mentioned in your comment. First and foremost, i tip my hat to you, you are a warrior poet. I appreciate the fashion advice, the "shitty cords" however were actually faded black denim jeans (distressed, if you will) (I mean c'mon seriously, who wears corduroy in October?? It's not even winter yet, Hellooooo!!!). And much thanks for the "pale socks" mention (they were technically white, but regardless), you will be quite happy to learn that i immediately threw them out, and henceforth, shall only wear black (or dark) socks (what about Argyle? Forget it, I just realized how "faggy" that must sound). Hopefully, these minor adjustments, will help me to become involved in more confrontations. Ideally, i'd like to become a confrontation magnet. Kudos on the BITCH ASS MARK comment! Seriously, i would be so stoked if i could slip that into my everyday vernacular. Like if i could just be like, "I know the Maitre D' here, he's usually pretty cool, but that Sommelier's a BITCH ASS MARK!!"

I noticed you were also none too plussed about my gaze in the photograph, DICKHEAD POSSE. A thousand apologies. I've been told that i suffer from a condition known as Rape Face. It's an expression commonly found on the faces of rapists (or rapers) before they rape somebody. Sadly, i have genetics to thank for this one, but i swear to you, it was not intended as an act of war towards your person, DICKHEAD POSSE.

Snickerdoodles, if i haven't already, Thank you for my straight up hard core steady ratpacking. (Sincerely)

Maybe i'm just a "glass is half full" kinda guy, but i think i can "unfuck" my way outta any situation, Silly Goose!

And that was so weird when you mentioned Pop Tarts, because I still eat Pop Tarts!!! Can you believe it?!? You don't have to say it, i already know what you're going to say, DICKHEAD POSSE!!! You're gonna be all like, "OMG Kid Lover, You're like 31 years old and still eating Pop Tarts!!! How embarrassing, you should be so embarassed!!! That's what little kids eat!!!" Guilty as charged. But what can I say, I love Pop Tarts.

Lastly, I will start researching new hair styles and trends.

There you have it, DICKHEAD POSSE, I feel like the LA jihad on my ass can confidently be removed. I appreciate your constructive criticisms. And moving forward, I will do my best to be on the fortunate end of a BEEF!!! Oh, and I'm sooo not gay! LOL!!!

I'M NOT GAY... -BUT THIS SONG IS KINDOF THE JAM (NO HOMO)

I decided to bring back an old feature from LOA, 'I'm not gay but this song is kindof the jam' as a sign of solidarity with our nation's gay peoples fighting for their rights to be recognized as equals under the law.
I don't care how gay this shit makes me seem, this song is dope! Feel free to list some of your favorite Gay Jams in the comments section below. -And don't worry about it, if you just type "no homo" after it it will exempt you from actually seeming like a homo.

MAJOR SPINETINGLING SELLOUT OF THE DECADE: MARY CHENEY

"See that dumpster way way over there...-Go stand by that and let us straight people figure out how to blow up the world"

If I had one ounce of human compassion to spare on her, I'd respectfully encourage Mary Cheney to get some psychological help. However, considering she is the fruit of Vice President Dick Cheney's festering loins, I couldn't care less if he took her out back, behind the White House rosegarden, and shot her in her strikingly mannish face (Like a captive quail, just released from it's cage, or one of his good friends). The thing about her that's so tragically pathetic is the fact that she actively campaigned for the Republican party during the 2004 election. Now if we were talking typical run-of-the-mill politics, we could maybe have a debate about this. However, The afore mentioned party, in this particular instance, used the non-issue-turned-political wedge issue of 'gay marriage' and went out of their way to resoundingly / wholeheartedly take a steaming shit on her sexuality. In case you didn't know already, or are reading this on a braile computer, Mary Cheney is an overwhelming and unabashed lesbian;-and to that I say "More power to you; Do your thing". If I was a girl I'd want to be a flaming lesbo too. Granted, I'd try to date way hotter chicks than she does, but hey, to each their own... My point is, why on earth is she backing this crew that's making what she does in the privacy of her own butch bedroom, the centerpiece if their corrupt rigged re-election? I'm not saying don't love your fucked up father, I mean after all, that motherfucker's got bank.- I'm talking long-ass Halliburton dollars. And sooner or later he's gonna kick the bucket and you're gonna be diving in loot like Scrooge McDuck if you play your cards... -Especially with those ammendments to the estate tax your dad and Bush rammed through...-WOOOOO WEEEEE! You'll be so paid you'll be chillin' on a boat with Jay-Z in the caribbean somewhere, betting $10,000 hands on guts. I'm not mad at that at all, but my point is, I dont think you've gotta sell out your gay peoples to make this happen. Send him a card on father's day, watch football and drink beers with him on Sundays... you know, just bond with that motherfucker. -You'll get your dough. But but aligning yourself with the gay-hating neo-con legion of doom, -you my lesbian friend are the solitaire champion- YOU PLAYED YOURSELF.

KANYE WEST/ GAY FISH.

If you missed this week's episode of South Park, you pretty much blew it. In classic SP fashion they literally annihilated Kanye West and Carlos Mencia. Check out Kanye's surprising response from his blog below.. SOUTH PARK MURDERED ME LAST NIGHT AND IT'S PRETTY FUNNY. IT HURTS MY FEELINGS BUT WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT FROM SOUTH PARK! I ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN WORKING ON MY EGO THOUGH. HAVING THE CRAZY EGO IS PLAYED OUT AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE AND CAREER. I USE TO USE IT TO BUILD UP MY ESTEEM WHEN NOBODY BELIEVED IN ME. NOW THAT PEOPLE DO BELIEVE AND SUPPORT MY MUSIC AND PRODUCTS THE BEST RESPONSE IS THANK YOU INSTEAD OF "I TOLD YOU SO!!!" IT'S COOL TO TALK SHIT WHEN YOU'RE RAPPING BUT NOT IN REAL LIFE. WHEN YOU MEET LITTLE WAYNE IN PERSON HE'S THE NICEST GUY FOR EXAMPLE. I JUST WANNA BE A DOPER PERSON WHICH STARTS WITH ME NOT ALWAYS TELLING PEOPLE HOW DOPE I THINK I AM. I NEED TO JUST GET PAST MYSELF. DROP THE BRAVADO AND JUST MAKE DOPE PRODUCT. EVERYTHING IS NOT THAT SERIOUS. AS LONG AS PEOPLE THINK I ACT LIKE A BITCH THIS TYPE OF SHIT WILL HAPPEN TO ME. I GOT A LONG ROAD AHEAD OF ME TO MAKE PEOPLE BELIEVE I'M NOT ACTUALLY A HUGE DOUCHE BUT I'M UP FOR THE CHALLENGE. I'M SURE THE WRITERS AT SOUTH PARK ARE REALLY NICE PEOPLE IN REAL LIFE. THANKS FOR TAKING THE TIME TO DRAW MY CREW. THAT WAS PRETTY FUNNY ALSO!! I'M SURE THERE'S GRAMMATICAL ERRORS IN THIS... THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW IT'S ME!

I'M NOT GAY... BUT THIS SONG IS KINDOF THE JAM

Due to the overwelming popularity of our first installment of "I'M NOT GAY... BUT THIS SONG IS KINDOF THE JAM" I decided to bring it back for another round. I think it's important that we all get in touch with our homosexual music tastes every now and then so we dont go Virginia Tech on muthafuckas.

FUCKTARD HALL OF FAME: MEL GIBSON

Right before our very eyes, Mel Gibson is revolutionizing the art of how to be an fucking asshole.  Not just in intensity, and sheer perseverance, but by amassing  a rich, diversified portfolio of, domestic violence, racism, misogyny, gay-bashing and anti-semitism .  Honestly, there's not a whole lot of unexplored territory for this guy  left. He'd pretty much have to stab a baby in the face with a rusty boxcutter and bite it's genitals off for him to pad his stats any further.  Peep game:

"I will report her to the fucking people that take fucking money from the wetbacks." — phone conversation with ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva, about an employee, 

"You look like a fucking pig in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of niggers, it will be your fault." — phone conversation with Grigorieva, 

"I am going to come and burn the fucking house down... but you will blow me first." — phone conversation with Grigorieva, 

"You know what, you fucking deserved it." — to Grigorieva after she asked, "What kind of man is that who would hit a woman when she is holding a child in her hands, hitting her twice in the face?" 

"Fucking Jews... The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world… Are you a Jew?" — to male police officer during 2006 DUI arrest, 

"What do you think you're looking at, sugar tits?" — to female police officer during 2006 DUI arrest, 

"I want to kill him…I want his intestines on a stick… I want to kill his dog." —on New York Times reporter Frank Rich, who criticized The Passion of the Christ, to The New Yorker in 2003, 

"I own Malibu… I am going to fuck you." — to arresting officer during 2006 DUI, 

"Look what you did to me... look what you are... look what every part of you is... fucking fake... fucking fake… You are the most synthetic person... who the fuck are you?" — phone conversation with Grigorieva, 

"They take it up the ass. [laughs, stands up, bends over, points to anus] This is only for taking a shit." —to Spanish newspaper El Pais when asked what he thinks of gays, in 1991, 

"With this look, who's going to think I'm gay? I don't lend myself to that type of confusion. Do I look like a homosexual? Do I talk like them? Do I move like them?" —from the El Pais interview, 

"I'll apologize when hell freezes over. They can fuck off." —to Playboy in 1995, about whether he'd issue an apology to gays and lesbians, as GLAAD recommended

I'M NOT GAY, BUT THIS SONG IS KINDA THE JAM...

Well actually, it sucks... -Bad. I just think it's funny how overwelmingly gay things used to be in the 80's, but for some reason nobody seemed to notice it at the time. Maybe I was just a kid and didn't know any better, but man... with the political climate today, theres NO WAY somebody like Wham or Boy George could possibly blow up on that level these days. It's pretty strange, but I think, as a society, we're collectively de-evolving, at a rate proportionate to the number of consecutive years we have a republican president in office.

Cameron Diaz is the Opposite of Cute

I'm not sure what I'm more embarrassed to admit: that I spent the night on the couch eating banana pudding, or that I watched the MTV Movie Awards while doing it? Someone in MTV's legal department must have given the green light to use the words "dick," "balls" and "jizz" because seemingly every skit and MTV promo used them (edgy!). The Borat guy put his nuts in Eminem's face, Zac Efron tried to act like he wasn't gay and some other boring shit happened. I was about to put my spoon away and doze off, but when Cameron Diaz handed out an award, I momentarily thought I was looking death in the face. She is allegedly 36, but if you told me she was 56 I would believe you. The Manuel Noriega skin tone is the least of her problems. Can we please stop with the hoax that she is good looking?

I'M NOT GAY...-BUT THIS SONG IS KINDA THE JAM!!

I posted this one a few months back but I had no idea he was doing a REMIXXX. Please take a few moments to re-feast your eyes/ ears on this. It's pretty slick how homie flipped the lyrics on it to really make it his own -read the captions.. (closed circuit to Chris Hanson, -I need a ringtone of this ASAP!) And since we're already smoothing it out on the KR&B (Korean R&B) tip, peep game on this ill rendition of "I still Believe". Homie MURDERS IT!!! -Shouts out to Bobby Tang on this one -You GO boyyy!

Toddlers & Tiaras is currently the best?!?

This kid totally fucking falls about 36 times in his one fall, its like a cartoon. Man, if there's one thing i like more than watching little kids eat shit, it has to be closeted flamboyantly gay dads. Toddlers & Tiaras is the fucking shit. I'm not even going to NO HOMO this. It's a great show about middle america and fucked up parenting. As much as i hate these parents, I'm kinda thankful for them. They're more than likely raising the next Belladonna.
Here's one of my favorite SNL clips of all time. I feel like it kinda got slept on...

ANOTHER "I'M NOT GAY... BUT THIS SONG IS KINDOF THE JAM"

Things were moving along at a pretty even clip on LOA for a while; but all of a sudden, since I've introduced all of this quasi-gay material -BOOOM!!! Motherfuckers are geeking for real. Loving it; -LOVING IT! One of the many regulars on the blog that's really been exploring his sexuality lately is our homie/ LOA O.G. Jersey Joe. who sent over this delightful video. Good lookin out J.J.!!!

I'M NOT GAY... BUT THIS SONG IS KINDOF THE JAM

Don't front, you know you love it motherfucker...

THE TRIUMPHANT RETURN OF "I'M NOT GAY, BUT THIS SONG IS KINDOF THE JAM"

Remember back in the day, before Britney was a total mess; -when she was a very polished slightly above average. Nevertheless, this song is dope. -Fuck all y'all

I'M NOT GAY, BUT THIS SIEGFRIED & ROY VIDEO IS KINDA... THE...

that one part where homeboy is riding around on the white tigers (or lions, whats the difference anyhow, same shit) back, thats magic right there.

I'M NOT GAY...-BUT THIS SONG IS KINDA THE JAM!!

Don't even front, George Michael had some bangers back in the day...Shouts out to Bobby Tang on this one...-You GO boy!!

I'M NOT GAY...-BUT THIS VIDEO IS KINDA THE JAM!!

This shit is bangin! (no homo).(Good looking out T.H.L.AT. (no homo))

UNFADABLE WHIP APPEAL

I'm not gonna front, I completely jacked this from the Turntablelab blog, but holy fucking FUCK!! This is amazing!! The hardest shit since Tupac. If you really wanna get shit crackin' open multiple windows of this song playing a few seconds apart and just feel it grab hold of your soul. If that's not enough for you, then become the leader of an Evangelical Christian mega-church and listen to it while you're fucking your gay male prostitute in the ass...-(while on meth).

MUSIC WAS WAY GAYER BACK IN THE DAY

Just an observation, but sometimes it blows my mind how much overt homosexuality was in music in the 80's. Like you kinda think that things get more and more liberal and accepting over time, but if you think back, Wham, Poison, Boy George, -Those dudes were flaming homos and yet totally mainstream... I'm not sure what all this ultimately means, other than the fact that 'Fall Out Boy' needs to step up their gay game.

INSIDE JOB

I used to bug out on 9-11 'conspiracy theories all the time.  And then there's a certain level of fatigue that sets in when you realize that you can't do a damn thing about it except for be that weird guy who preaches about 'conspiracy theories'. I'd imagine that this is the case with a lot of people, -no point swimming upstream, when you can just kick back, relax and float down the river of media bullshit. It's sickening to think of all of the things that happened to our country as a result of 9-11.  To think of it being an inside job, one would have to come to terms with some really REALLY heavy shit.  The types of things that seem so monumentally evil that it would actually be difficult to comprehend it.  Nevertheless,  I'm beginning to see a pattern emerging,  repeating over and over again.  On every level we are getting our pockets picked while we are being distracted by an endless parade of bullshit,  Issues are trumped up and fabricated specifically so that we are distracted from what's really going on. Actors posing as politicians playing us against one another so that we don't pay attention to the real issues that actually effect our lives.  Instead of spending time focusing on how the military industrial complex, Wall Street bankers their partners in congress have absolutely ROBBED us, and how the politicians have either turned a blind eye or actively facilitated this;  the media would rather whip us into a frenzy about hating gay people or Mexicans, or Muslims.  I don't even expect that the majority of people be ultra liberal and adopt some "can't we all just get along" mentality. But it would be nice to see peoples rage be more appropriately directed.  If there's a hierarchy to what most Americans should be pissed off about,  Mexicans, gays and Muslims shouldn't even crack the top 10.  There's a much bigger war being waged against you and most likely you don't even know it.  This war is the uber-rich against everybody else. They're playing 'divide and conquer'  the rest of us are tripping about if gays should be able to die fighting their wars, or get married.  Let's stay focused on the big picture and not get caught up in all of the distractions.  

NOPE...

Sorry Vikings fans. It looks like you're gonna have to pin your postseason hopes on either Tarvaris Jackson or something called 'Sage Rosenfels' at the quarterback position. Just 2 days before the beginning of training camp, my former boy Brett Favre, decided to remain retired (we'll see) and forgo the opportunity to stab thousands of loyal Packer fans, who supported him during his 16 year tenure in Green Bay, in their collective hearts... Thanks...-I guess. I dunno, part of me was actually kindof looking forward to watching the surreal drama of the whole thing unfold. Kinda like when Hulk Hogan switched over to being a bad guy and thought it'd be a dope idea to dye his gay little moustache black in order to signify the switchover. In the case of Favre, I think things would have gotten really ugly had he suited up for the Vikes, -far beyond my proposed pregame bonfire of all of Green Bay Favre-related Memorabilia when they faced Minnesota on November 1st at Lambeau. Anyways, basically what I'm trying to say is 'Suck it Vikings fans, and may your season be filled with misery and disappointment' (not that you aren't acustomed to this already).

"ENJOY...THE SEASON!" -Mike Tice