HORRIBLE RAP MONDAY: APOLOGY RAP EDITION

YOU WANNA BATTLE!?? -Well neither does this dude. Look, he feels really bad about that thing he did. So if you catch him slippin out in the streets, please,-PLEASE; we implore you; Please do not punch him in his face. He didn't mean to disrespect you guys. -He's really really really sorry.
Try to forgive him.

HORRIBLE RAP THURSDAY EVENING: RUSSIAN NEW JERSEY NETS OWNER STINKING UP THE M.I.C.

Why is it that EVERY SINGLE horrible amateur attempt at rapping always has this same flow: da-da-da, de-de-de, da-da-da, de-de-de, etc. etc? Somebody needs to come up with a few other alternative cadences for shitty non-rappers to rap in.

HORRIBLE RAP THURSDAY: DEEP THROAT BY JAYBO O.M.G

This man knows what he wants in life. No need for mincing words in this rap song. File under 'not very subtle at all'.

(Good looking out Black Squirrel Aliance.)

Every Rap Show I've Ever Been to Summed Up in 87 Seconds

Lupe Fiasco had a show in Chicago this weekend at the House of Blues. He showed up late and the crowd went nuts, booing a DJ off of the stage and filling the stage with bottles and cups. When Lupe finally arrived, he played for 25 minutes and bounced, telling fans "see you at the real show" -- even though people paid up to $100 and waited all night to see him. Fans were irate. The next day, Lupe said he was late because he ran out of gas, and that the crowd shouldn't have expected a performance since the show's flier said the night was a "celebration" (which I guess is something other than a "show"). And, oh yeah, he didn't know the promoter so everyone should really blame him.

Before Lupe hit the stage, the guy in this video grabbed the mic and tried to soothe the crowd by telling everyone to "calm the fuck down." This video is really a great synopsis of my entire rap show going career: unknowns on the mic, performer not on time, the crowd getting insulted from the stage, unruly audience, feeling like I was ripped off, etc. This is the kind of thing that could only happen at a hip hop show. I really can't imagine paying $100 to see Radiohead, and waiting two hours just to see Thom Yorke do a verse off of Karma Police before he walks off, telling everyone this was just a celebration.

HORRIBLE RAP FRIDAY: "OH... AND IT'S SHAVED" -(Brian Pumper)

There are many things that need to be said here, so lets take them one at a time shall we? First off, the dude rapping/ rap-sangin'  in this video's name is Brian Pumper. -BRIAN PUMPER!!! -That is a fucking hillarious name!  Which leads up to my next point. Brian Pumper, is not just a terrible rapper, hes also a porn star, and the name of this smash-hit single is "Oh, and it's shaved".  -Kinda catchy right? -And yes, he's referring to the vagina of the girl in the video. The owner of said vagina just happens to be future porn star Montana Fishburne, who just happens to be the real-life daughter  of dope actor Laurence Fishburne. Seriously; Brian Pumper, -one thing at a time dude! -How am I supposed to focus on your shitty-ass rapping while at the same time trying to wrap my mind around Larry Fishburn's 19 year-old daugher becoming a porn star -(a pretty hot one at that) ?  She could use a lil' Proactiv® Formula on those cheeks (yes THOSE cheeks), but I'm not mad at her at all...  But It definitely sucks to be your dad right now :(

HORRIBLE RAP MONDAY/ GREEN ENERGY MONDAY : 'GO HARD'

I had this really good idea on how to produce green energy. Basically what it is, is I'd invent these earbud- style headphones with tiny turbines on the inside.  How it would work is every time I heard some horrible rapping, the sound would be funneled into the earbuds and the kinetic energy caused by the horrible rap would turn the turbines and produce pure carbon-free green energy.  My guess is, at the rate the recording industry is going, we should be off of petroleum-based fuels by thursday.  (By the way, nobody steal my idea, that shit's patent pending motherfucker...) (Good lookin' out Playboy Kenny!)

HORRIBLE RAP WEDNESDAY: POSSIBLY THE WORST, MOST EMBARRASSING 'RAP' EVER.

They call him "One-take 50 Tyson". Actually, I'm sure nobody calls him that,-other than himself.  This dude is seriously giving Soulja Boy a run for his money as far as who can have the least amount of lyrical talent. There was a point in time when this level of 'MCing' would have been an utter disgrace to humanity, -and that point in time was1979.  Fast forward 30-odd years later and what have you got? -Motherfucking 50-Tyson. That movie 'Idiocracy' is looking more and more prophetic every day...Good fucking christ... "50-Tyson" really??  What in the sweet mother of fuck are you talking about.  I mean, I got that you're a 'ball player" specifically football , and I appreciate you not lying to us about it and all... But seriously, -what the fuck?  Why did you need to make a 2-minute Youtube video to tell me that?  I think a batch e-mail would have more than sufficed.   

QUESTION:  To the LOA readers out there, has this kid managed to unseat Soulja Boy as the worst rapper of alltime? And if so, how long before he gets a multi-million dollar record contract?  Answers taken in the comments section.

HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE RAP FRIDAY: TILA TEQUILA

This is fucking awful... Try not to let it ruin your weekend.

(Good looking out Matt F.)

ENUE'S ELI PORTER TRIBUTE

Check out Enue's tribute to one of the greatest mentally handicapped rappers of all time.

Marquis Daniels Has The Best Raps

Marquis Daniels raps under the alias "Q6" on Gucci Mane's "Pussy and Patron." David Stern, holla if ya hear me!

Horrible Rap x Rice Paddy Hats

I've been riding the bus for hours every day hoping to film some mass transit race fights. Unfortunately, I've been coming up empty as the Obama presidency has calmed racial tensions in Chicago. Chi-City rapper Gaggie didn't get the memo as he brings us this pan-Asian tour de force. Filmed in Chinatown, Gaggie rocks a Japan jacket, Vietnamese hat and raps about Hong Kong. Some bubble tea, import tuning and math problems would have made the cipher complete. Maybe next time.

Thanks to Pedro Navaja$ for putting me up on this masterpiece (of shit).

Horrible Rap x Carmelo Anthony x Etch-a-sketch

Christmas came early for me in the form of a video which combines my loves of NBA basketball, line drawings and horrible rap.

HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE RAP WEEKEND: ROSCOE DASH feat. SOULJA BOY (tellem)

What do you even call this genre of music? Technically they're rapping; but not well. And by any stretch of the imagination, you could not convince yourself nor anyone else that this is good. But by about the 3rd or 4th listen, it has completely taken over your mind. Soulja Boy really has the knack for making shit that's god-awful and yet completely infectiously catchy at the same time. I guess this time around, I'm just happy I don't need to learn a new dance to go along with this one.

HORRIBLE RAP THURSDAY: MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE

To say this rap song is horrible, is an understatement... -But then again, it might actually be an overstatement, considering this techinically might not be 'rapping'. Actually, now that I think about it, this might not even be music.

HORRIBLE RAP TUESDAY: BABY VOX - XCSTACY

There's one thing right about this and endless things wrong with this. See if you can figure them out.(Good looking out Kingpin Ronin!)

HORRIBLE RAP MONDAY: THE YOUNG CONS

Who would have thought thought that 2 dorky christian, republican, white guys could manage to suck this ferociously at rapping? Negative 9 mics

Unsolicited Rap Tips

I went to the Rock The Bells festival in Chicago this weekend. I saw some great shows and I saw some awful ones. Like Dame Dash at the end of the Paid in Full soundtrack, I have a few things to get off my chest. Hip hop's been around since the 70s and it seems like most rappers are still doing the same shit. Many performers at RTB were no exception. Let's run through the classics:

1. "Ayo soundman, I need more/less monitor." "Can I get more volume on this mic?" I can honestly say that I have never been to a rap show where there was not at least one on-stage complaint about the sound guy. Talib Kweli spent as much time performing as he did talking to the soundman. Look, dude, I came to hear raps. If I wanted a discussion about audio engineering, I'd enroll at Full Sail.
2. "The real hip hop is over here/there." When you say '"hip," I say "go fuck yourself." KRS is awesome, but even he's guilty of this one.
3. Not practicing. Amid other miscues, Raekwon's DJ dropped the vocal version of a song. Rae to the crowd: "Oh no, the vocals are on there! We're gonna have to go over the vocals..." Probably should have been handled in rehearsal.
4. "DJ, stop the beat." A cappella raps are the keyboard solos of hip hop shows. Totally unnecessary (possible exceptions include Eddie Van Halen on the "1984" tour and Brother Ali) .
5. "Who wants to hear some new shit?" First off, you're not really giving us a choice. Second, if I've never heard your "old shit" (I am talking here to almost every opening act at indie hip hop shows), then the answer is a definite no.
6. Stopping and starting beats. Everyone knows that "Ante Up" will be MOP's last song. The beat drops and people go nuts. 8 bars in, they stop the track and say "I don't think they're ready" only to crank it right back up. Talk about a buzzkill. Ever see Pearl Jam stop in the middle of "Even Flow" and then have Eddie Vedder call for a rewind? Me neither.
7. Extraneous people walking around on stage. You got a backstage pass? C'mon up. Maybe wave a towel or pantomime gunshots. GZA had 5 guys at the DJ booth mouthing the lyrics. Is this Wu Tang or Puttin On The Hits?

Other observations from RTB: In these tough economic times, paying money to meet Supernatural (and "suprise" guests) in a "VIP" tent seems a little much. If you wait until after the tour, you can just run up in the post office or wherever he works and meet him for free. Also, I counted about 50 "Dilla Changed My Life" tees. The only people who should be wearing them are the members of Slum Village and Stones Throw employees. It's cool to pay tribute to someone you admire, but this is a little much. Truth be told, your mom or your AAU coach changed your life, not Dilla.

(LIL) KING SHIT

See Soulja Boy, now look what you did! Somebody please give this kid an Eric B & Rakim tape....

HORRIBLE RAP THURSDAY: "IT'S SO COLD IN THE 'D'"

Check out this T-Baby video for a truly uninspired rap performance. Nothing about this makes me wanna visit "the D"(Good looking out Nick)

HORRIBLE RAP WEEKEND: BROKENCYDE -FREAXXX

Well, they've done it... Brokencyde has made the worst song in all of human history. I don't entirely want to give them credit for it however, considering that they pretty much took elements of several different genres of horrible music and combined them, in their own horrible way, into a nasty foul-smelling musical goulash. It really REALLY sucks. -bad...
... Blatantly stolen from Revok's blog -Holler at him!